Merry Christmas to All

It's just two days before the magical day of Christmas.  I'm snuggled on my sofa in a super warm blanket while Sookie and Kelly snooze away.  Emory is awake and moving around to let me know he's ok.  It's a pretty fantastic morning.

Many of my blog posts have been about my status as a bereaved parent, like this post from last December.  I think other than my physiological being as a female, this is the most predominant part of who I am.  Maybe other bereaved moms feel the same.

This year, you have seen many posts about my impending motherhood.  This baby boy inside me has transformed not only my body, but also my heart and mind.  Although my heart still weeps with sadness at the absence of my Olivia, it also swells with joy in anticipation of her brother who is on his way.  Instead of focusing on the memories of the last four Christmases without her, I am more able to think of her first Christmas.  I vividly recall Santa coming to our home so that we could get those precious photos of her in a black velvet and gold satin dress without exposing her to all the icky illness around.  I can remember with a smile the first time she chose the color of lights on our tree and thus started the blue Christmases.  The tears in my eyes as I write this are joyful, not sad.

There will never be a Christmas for me that isn't tinged with sadness.  However, for the first time in a long, long time, there is more happiness than that and it wins.  I am happy this Christmas.  I have a loving husband who is going to be a wonderful father.  I have a job I love.  I have friends and family that keep me in line with love and humor.  AND, the best of all, it's only a few short weeks until I can hold my son in my arms.

I wish to each of you that your holidays, however you celebrate them, are filled with the people and things you love.  If you're like me and love it, I wish for a peaceful, snowy day, too!   Merry Christmas to all.  May your world be everything you want and need!

Good Bad Good

There's always good and bad in any situation.  Sometimes, it's easier to see one or the other.  I am not a pessimist by nature, but for some situations, I do see bad before good.  With relationships and family, it's where I immediately go.

I love my husband.  That should seem obvious.  I love this baby boy who's kung fu fighting in my abdomen right now.  For both of them, whenever there's a little glitch, I expect the worst.  I possibly even perseverate on the worst possibilities.  For example, my last ultrasound gave us a 4D image of Emory.  I stared at it and stared at it until I decided his eyes looked wide spaced.  Then, I researched syndromes with wide spaced eyes.  The doc we saw that day said "baby looks great".  He saw the same photos I did.  He actually knows what he's seeing, but I didn't trust it.  I'm past that now and am trusting that said doctor would have clearly indicated concern that he saw such things if he did.

I think when you've experienced a significant loss, or three or four or however many I'm up to now, it colors your perspectives.  I think it may even be easier to expect disappointment than to expect happiness.  The key is realizing that's what's happening and getting past it.

This is a work in progress for me.  I see good and bad.  I need to go over the hump and get back to the good.

I'm getting there.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I have feared writing anything so positive as I fear the jinx.

When I started  blogging years ago and then again last year, I wasn't always in a happy place.  As a matter of fact, I was in dark holes within myself many days.  The blog was a way for me to get some of that ugliness out without, hopefully, hurting myself or too many others in the process.

The past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Then again, I think that may be true for the majority of people.  Maybe it isn't and I'm slightly more unstable.  Regardless, I have swung between ecstasy and despair often.

I am on the verge of ecstasy again.  This pregnancy has been physically hard and an emotional challenge for both Kelly and me.  I think we were both afraid for a long time that it would end as the last two with nothing but heartbreak and tears.  That fear impeded my joy for too long.

I'm just one week away from the third trimester.  I am not a fool and think we're in the clear now.  My job is half dictated by the percentages of babies who come too soon!  However, I feel like it's foolish to walk on eggshells and not enjoy every precious minute left of Emory's baking.

As miserable as my nights are now, feeling his gymnastics as I wake up or try to drift off brings me pure happiness.  It's not very long until I have to share him with others!  Don't get me wrong; I want to see the faces of my mother- and father-in-law as they hold him for the first time.  I can hardly wait to see Kelly's eyes and watch those big, strong arms envelope his tiny son.  But, I also think most women who've been pregnant can agree that there is something completely, selfishly wonderful about the pregnancy when they're just ours.

Yesterday, my girlfriends, a number of my Posse in fact, gave us a little shower for baby Emory.  It was soooooo fun!  I felt very loved and honored.  I had a fantastic Mom-To-Be tiara, even.  I am so thankful to have these women in my life.  They just add to the good parts and help soften the blows of the bad ones.

*Smiles and sighs*

Christmas Trees and Cats

I have had an indoor cat or two for most of my adult life.  I am a cat person.  I like dogs fine in small doses outside.  I have had wonderful cats and heinous cats.  I had the best cat in the world go guano crazy after my daughter died.  Now, I have Sookie.   

She's a beauty, isn't she?  She looks so innocent.  I've talked about her before here.  She's been mostly great.  She was a rescue who came to live with us just after the first of this year...after Christmas.  She's been de-clawed in front.  I really didn't foresee problems with Christmas decorations.  I was wrong or stupid.  Hey, it could be both.

It took me a long time to get the damn tree decorated yesterday, starting with putting lights on backwards.  I had to take them off and restring.  My seemingly ginormous belly gets in the way a lot.  Anyway, I finished it up around midnight last night, thanks to the hubs, and I was so pleased with myself.  I didn't leave the bottom empty of ornaments.  It didn't occur to me to do that.

Then, I came home from working 10 hours today.  My first indication something was wrong came from a shiny glint in the tree-lit carpet.  I turned on the overhead light.  A beautiful red ball lay crushed on the opposite wall from the tree.  I cleaned it up and went to admire the tree as well as try to get a decent photo.  Then, I noticed two other balls out of place.  Not just nudged on a branch were they.  One was on the tree skirt and the other was off to the side.  

How did she get them off?  She has NO claws!  Well, technically she does, but not in front.  My sweet little Sookie is now a demon cat.  My first indoor cat was too lazy to do anything but drink the tree water.  Then there was Whiskey.  He had to be outdoors after two weeks of absolutely refusing to use the litter box.  Next were Albert and Snookums.  They were the best cats in the whole world...until Olivia died.  Then, they nearly grieved themselves to death.  BUT, they never attacked a Christmas tree.  If Sookie continues to terrorize the Christmas tree, she'll surpass Whiskey the impossible-to-train-to-use-the-litter box cat as the cat who's angered me the most.  Banjo might even move up on the favorite pet list...

I am absolutely terrible at photographing  a lit tree.

Thanksgiving Wishes

It's Thanksgiving eve.  As many of you are, I am reflecting on the things in my life and this world for which I am thankful.  As I stated in a Facebook post a couple of weeks ago, I am truly thankful every day.  It's why I don't gush so much on the actual day of Thanksgiving.  True story: when I pull into the parking deck at work and manage to snag a space within site of the doors, I say a little prayer of thanks.

This year, I have much more thanks to give.  My husband and I have celebrated our first anniversary without having been in marriage counseling or jail.  We have this seemingly perfect little son on the way.  My job is safe, for the moment, at a time when many people are losing theirs.  I have not lost a loved one this year.  All in all, it's pretty stellar.

I am especially thankful that my all day/all night pregnancy sickness is over in time for scrumptious meals to be had.  I am so looking forward to turkey cooked at home.  Deli meats are off limits, but properly cooked, then cooled turkey from home is safe for a cold sandwich.  Think it's not a big deal?  Try heating the roast beef from Jimmy John's and then adding it back to your cold sandwich.  Blech.  I'm dreaming of pumpkin and pecan pies.  I'm going to attempt to make my mother's recipe for pecan pie.  She made a fantastic one.

As you eat or watch football or drift off to sleep, I wish you another year of life, freedoms, love, and peace.  I wish for America to get out of war so that our soldiers and their families can have peace.  I wish for Republicans and Democrats to stop throwing stones and act like adults with differences of opinions. 

I wish you all a bountiful meal so that your belly is not hungry.  I wish you all a warm bed in a safe place.  I wish you all love and joy.  I am thankful to my family, friends, co-workers and those of you who read my thoughts from across the globe.  Thank you for support, friendship, love, and fun. 




blog.zealousgood.com



Body Art

It's been a while since my last post.  I wanted to avoid all of the political and election drama.  I'm glad it's over.  I also wanted to find something else other than pregnancy to write about.  I will, but not tonight.

Today, I went to a Baby Belly Bazaar.

It was loads of fun!  I went with my friend Kristen, who is a doula.  There was a lot of activity and information.  I honestly thought I wouldn't learn much.  I mean, I HAVE given birth before, you know?  There were several groups of midwives and practitioners represented from places other than where I go for prenatal care.  I actually did get some new knowledge.  I also received a little pampering.  I do not have a beautiful pregnant belly, but you're gonna see it.

First, I was on display getting a henna tattoo on my bump.  This stuff is cool!  Those are tiny hand prints on the left...one slightly larger representing my husband and me.  There are tiny footprints on the right for the baby.  There are also two Ks.

Next, I had a photo taken by a professional photographer for $5.  Not too shabby.  Then, it was onto investigating the booths while waiting for my massage time slot.  Yes, a 15 minute, free prenatal massage.  The lady had these wedges so I could lie on my belly side without any pressure on the baby.  It felt soooo amazing!

I skipped the belly casting.  I mean, it would be cool, but it was in the wide open and I didn't want my boobs  on display.  There were a lot of people there and some men included.  A newspaper photographer took my pic getting the tattoo.  That was enough exposure.

After that, I let an artist do a painting on my big ol' belly.  This may be the coolest thing I've ever done.

    
I saw a lot of painted bellies today, but I think mine was by far the best.  She just kept going with the details!

If you're pregnant and you haven't done anything fun to celebrate your growing body, I highly recommend something like this.  I don't feel beautiful on a regular basis, but I felt it today.

One Track Mind Full of Randomness

I haven't posted in a while.  I'll get an idea and then it dissipates.  In all honesty, except for finances, the only thing I think about most days is the baby.  I figure most people don't want to hear all of the day to day fascinating things he does like get crazy active after I eat Dulce de Leche Cheerios, so I keep it to myself.

I just finished the latest Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child.  He's one of my favorite suspense authors and Reacher is maybe my favorite character of all time.  I've loved most of the Reachers.  This is the first of the last few with which I've been completely enthralled.  I read it the time span of noon to 10 pm, including 4 hours of work time and a dinner date with my husband.  It is completely fantastic.  I'm now jonesing for another.

In other news, today is Halloween.  I don't have a wee one to take trick or treating anymore, or yet again.  I'm not doing candy this year, either.  I think I'll save it for next year when I'll have a wee one to dress up in costume to help me dish out the candy.

In news that isn't new, but is overwhelming, I'm sending my thoughts and prayers out to the millions affected by Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy.  The utter devastation is breathtaking.  Seeing the NYC subways filled with water is shocking to me.  I used to ride those regularly and take a car through the tunnels to the airport.  My biggest fear was, "what if there's a crack?"  I'm proud of the staff of Langone and the rescue workers who evacuated patients down 10+ flights of stairs in the dark, keeping them ventilated until they were re-established at Mt. Sinai.  As a NICU staff member, I was especially touched by stories of the babies saved and the heartbreak of their parents who were trapped away from the hospital without power or phone service to even know the fate of their babies.

courtesy WABC and thebump.com

And there my brain goes in a full circle...baby to baby.

AMA

One of the docs at my MFM center is an interesting little man.  Dr. G., who is not a medical examiner, always introduces himself as if I haven't seen him 5 times already.  At the 13-week ultrasound, he reminded me I'm old.  He was discussing the risks for Down Syndrome and other age-related baby issues.  He said something like, "I'm not too worried.  You're young.  Well, you're sort of young."

Today, we had our regularly scheduled anatomy scan.  Baby boy Emory is 19 weeks now, so there was more to see.  I've had 5 medically ordered ultrasounds now, plus the one where I modeled for physicians and one by a friend who's an U/S tech.  Everything looked great today.  Emory continues to be extremely busy.  He also hangs out like his dad...arm stretched across his head.

Dr. G came in after reviewing the scan.  He said everything is great, no need to worry.  Then, he said I should do another in 6 weeks.  It seems that since I'm old, I also have old blood vessels and they need to watch those.  Really?  I'm 38.   I'm not Sarah of the Bible.  I'm sure her blood vessels didn't look great, either.

I have this lovely diagnosis added to my list of asthma, high-risk pregnancy, migraine, etc.  There's one called Advanced Maternal Age.  Fabulous!

Shhhh!

This is more of a thought

I know I can Google and get mostly whatever info I'm searching.  However, that's not exactly my point here.

I had a random thought today, shocking, I know.  Who decided to put a hot dog on a stick, roll it in batter and fry it?  And why call it a Corn Dog?  Yeah, yeah, it's corn breading.  I get that.  But, seriously, why?

Whoever took that and ran with the mustard idea was the genius.

Bizarre Dreams

Throughout my pregnancy, I've had very strange dreams.  I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights.  My restless legs are out of control and I can't take any meds for them until after the baby is born.  I took a Benadryl this afternoon so I could try to sleep a little.  I don't know why, but it worked.

I slept for nearly three hours.  It was good, solid sleep.  When I awoke, I had a distinct memory of this bizarre dream. I had a pet squirrel who wore clothes and she had a ponytail.

She looked a little like this:

courtesy Amberalexander.typepad.com

She wanted to go out on the screened-in porch, which I don't have.  I took her ponytail down and her clothes off so that if she ended up in nature, she'd look like she fit in.  I brushed her "hair".  I had a friend with me, but I don't remember who it was.  This person snapped photos of me and my squirrel so I'd have memories as I planned to let her onto the porch.

I've heard about animal dreams during pregnancy.  I guess this means I feel like I can take care of something small and furry?

BEST Ultrasound EVER

I know it's so soon after my last post, but this one is HAPPY!

I work in a teaching hospital.  One of the perks is finding out about unique opportunities.  Today, I was an ultrasound "model" for teaching midwives, residents, family physicians, etc.  These folks had come from GA, SC, and a couple of other places for this teaching.  My very dear work friend, Beth, tagged along.  It's good she's so tiny because there were 5 other people in the room.

The instructor had asked up front if I wanted to know the gender.  I said I need a confirmation, but I thought it was a boy.  She did a scan first before her students came in.  First thing, he showed himself to be all boy.  As he's been at the previous ultrasounds, he was incredibly active.  At one point, the instructor asked if we had a name.  She wanted to do the mother thing of yelling, "Kelly Merritt Sanders, be still!"  (That's not his name).  He'd flip from side to side just as they'd try to measure a leg bone or head circumference.

I know I'm not medical, but I've seen a lot of things in the NICU and PICU.  I also have my own experiences.  First off, I wanted to know if there was a Corpus Callosum.  They all looked at me like I was an alien.  I said, "my daughter didn't have one."  They couldn't visualize it at this point, but other brain structures that were supposed to be visible at this point were.  Also, some structure, whose name I can't recall, was there which rules out complete ACC.  I don't really fear it, but it was a fluke in Olivia, so why not ask?

Next, there was a lot of looking at the heart.  We saw all four functioning chambers.  She'd stop on the valves and freeze the frame to show them working.  She ticked off the major vessels.  I asked, "Could you tell if it's a hypoplast?"  I got the weird eyes again and one of the group asked where I work.  She said that yes, they should be able to tell that and it looks good.

We saw two kidneys, a stomach, a great umbilical cord with three vessels, and a beautiful little hand waving hello.  He also gave a thumbs up!  The last thing I asked was about gastroschisis.  Woohoo!  He has an intact abdominal wall!

This was the most detailed and technical ultrasound I've ever had or seen.  I'm so, so glad I was able to have the opportunity.  I know there are still many things that could happen or show up later.  It doesn't matter.  He's a beautiful squirmy shadow and I can't wait to meet him!

Seasons Change

We are a couple of days into the official season of Autumn.  Life is like nature in its changes.  They come inevitably and although we know to expect them, it's still sometimes a shock.  I almost always say "Fall" instead of Autumn.  As I drove north on Highway 52 toward the church where Olivia is buried this morning, it was clear why.

When I awoke, the temps were low.  I don't mean a comfy 60 degrees.  It was around 48-50.  After the harsh heat of our long summer, it was welcome!  I actually turned on my heat in the car for a few minutes.  Driving up the long highway that heads into the Blue Ridge Mountains, I could see tinges of gold and red in the trees the further I went.  There were leaves falling all along the way.

It was an absolutely gorgeous drive.  I was going up this morning to take Olivia's fall flowers.  Although I know that there's only a shell of her in that grave, it is always highly emotional going.  As I go through this pregnancy, my emotions are heightened about her as well.  Today those emotions sprang forth like Old Faithful.

As I trimmed the foam so that the flowers would fit, I attached a magic wand and the ever-present crown.  I also thought of the many things I would love to say to my daughter.  She'd be almost 13 now!  I did talk to her.  I do most days, but today's thoughts and chat were more intense.

Olivia had many challenges in her life.  She required assistance with everything physical.  You know what?  It didn't matter at all.  She was absolutely perfect to me.  She was the most beautiful, loving, funniest little girl I have ever known.  Every time she flashed that beaming smile at me, I melted.  I miss that smile.  I miss my girl.  I miss her more than it should be humanly possible to feel.

I think the changes my body is experiencing are a little like fall.  I know they're coming.  I don't know if they'll be sudden or gradual.  I love each season and anticipate the next with excitement.  Today marks 16 weeks in this pregnancy.  I look forward to each week as a milestone.  I eagerly await his arrival.  My biggest regret is that he'll never know his sister.

With all that said, I am going to sit outside in the beautiful sun and read a while before I go to work.  I need to distract my mind from its whirlwind of thoughts this morning.  Happy Fall to all!

Fat Cat

I put my cat on a diet.  Sookie was a rescue from a local animal shelter.  She had lots of treatment before she came to me.  Still, at that time, she had a runny eye, scratch on her nose, and was mostly fur.  I think she's the equivalent of the poor man who wins the lottery.  She came here and found abundant food, no need to forage or hide in nature and love.  That poor man finds himself not living on Hamburger Helper, but instead filets and creme brulee.

She's so fat now that she has a belly that sways when she walks and a double chin.  A while back, I bought the auto feeder because I was tired of her waking me up early because she only had a crumb of food left. She became a snob and would only eat when there were whole pieces filling the bowl.  God help us if there were broken pieces or the 'dust' like that's left at the bottom of a cereal box.  That auto feeder was my mistake.  I had no idea exactly how much she was eating.

I know this may seem hypocritical coming from a woman of substantial girth.  I have to say, I've lost and gained about 150 lbs in my lifetime.  I think I'm the perfect person to put a cat on a diet.

I went all out and bought the Royal Canin Lite formula.  It's pricey.  I'm measuring out amounts to feed twice daily.  I'm hoping it works.  Else, she'll be bigger than I am at full term.

Static

This is probably the longest lapse since I started this blog.  I have so many thoughts racing through my nog on any given day.  It's like a pinball machine in there!

My cat is a regular landing spot for the thought ball bouncing around.  The fact that she mews loudly and regularly could have something to do with that.  When I got her from my friend Jill, she said, "I think she's going to have a lot to tell you."  Well, it's been nine months and the damn cat talks more than ever.  If an animal can be spoiled, then she is.  She quietens right down when one of us picks her up and cuddles her.  Maybe, just maybe, she was a warm up to the baby I'm growing.

The baby is probably the most frequent hit for the ball o' thought.  I think about the baby constantly.  I rub my growing belly consciously and unconsciously.  I look at my ultrasound photos so often, if I were an artist, then I could draw them from memory.

There are other, darker thoughts in there.  Those are ones I keep to myself mostly.  I have fears and worries.  Some of those are completely out of my control.  Others are ones I could change if I worked at it.  Regardless, I struggle to keep those at bay because I don't want that negativity surrounding my baby.  See, he's still tops on the list.

Food is the final thought.  I think about it when I wake up and as I go to sleep.  In those 18 or so hours in between, I'm fighting nausea, still, to the point that actually eating is a challenge.  I long for the good days of pregnancy when food is a treat again.

I'm heading to those thoughts of medium rare filet mignon now.  The cat is stretched across both my feet and will loudly object to my movement.  Goodnight, my friends.

A List

Since this has become a pregnancy blog of late, I decided to do something different.  It's kind of a cop out and also kind of cool.  I found it on my friend Liz's blog.  Without further delay, here are some things about me:


I Am…Pregnant.  It's all I can think about right now.  Before, I was just Olivia's mom.  Then, I became Kelly's wife.  I kind of forgot who I am as a woman. 

I Want…a family.  I want a happy, healthy family.  

I Have…a house that sucks the life out of us.  I should have sold it years ago, but memories kept me here.

I Wish…I had enough money to pay off everything I owe and make a huge donation to the children's hospital for which I work with some stipulations.

I Hate…seeing children die.

I Fear…losing another child.  And bridges and spiders.

I Hear…"Holding, Offense #66"  Bad Giant.

I Search…Google for everything.  My bff calls me Google when she needs info.  

I Wonder…what Olivia would be like if she were still alive.

I Regret…my many mistakes in relationships. 

I Love…going to the fair.  The only sad part of being pregnant in the fall is not being able to ride sketchy temporary roller coasters.  However, I will devour roasted corn and an Elephant Ear.  Thank you Roger Fleming for introducing me to those divine creations.

I Ache…in my back more often than not.  I have degenerative disc disease.  Only when I'm "stuck" in a spasm do I complain out loud.  Then, it's only because I need help standing up.

I Always…worry.  Yes, Liz, I do as well.  My mom was dying of cancer and said to me that she wasn't worried.  Her faith kept her from it.  I'm not that strong.

I Usually…play my favorite FB related games every day.

I Am Not…a strong person in many ways.  I feel weak and useless in so many situations.

I Dance…watching VH1 in the mornings.  I used to nearly every day until this evil all-day morning sickness hit.

I Sing…always.  I sing to the radio.  I sing to the song in my head.  I sing to people.  I am not fooled thinking they like it.  I just like to do it.

I Never…want to bury another child.

I Rarely…give up in a fight.  I am too stubborn for my own good.

I Cry…when I'm angry.  I have mastered keeping my emotions in check in other situations.

I Am Not Always…a team player.  If I think the team is wrong, then I don't go along.  This gets me in trouble at times.

I Lose…my temper over really stupid stuff.

I'm Confused…*This is closely plagiarized from Liz*  How could anyone possibly truly believe what the Republican candidates stand for?  I'm all about agreeing to disagree for the protection of friendships, familial relationships, and even to keep relationships and conversations from going sour- It's why we still talk.

I Need…a job that has enough hours and enough pay to keep me from working one or two more.

I Should…exercise.  I know it.  I used to about 13 years ago.  Life bogged me down and I've never climbed back.

What about you?

Swinging

No.  I'm not talking about sex games tonight.

I've had horrendous morning sickness that lasts all freaking day.  I have had the sore boobs.  I didn't think I'd been all that moody, though.

Tonight, it was such a big swing and so noticeable, I stepped away from Pinterest to write about it.

I had an ok day.  I was super nauseous, but I held it down.  I managed to drink a little and eat three bites of a blueberry muffin and a few slices of apple.  I paid a surprise visit to my dear friend, Julie.  I'm never in her area and I was, so I took advantage.

I headed off to find a milkshake and then home.  I became distracted, which happens even more often now.  I went to Target.  I had a bad wave of dinner time sickness and barely made it out.  In the check out line, I picked up a prepaid $100 gift card by accident.  If I weren't so constipated with this pregnancy, I'd have crapped my pants when I saw my total.  Luckily, I figured it out and remedied the situation.

I made it home.  I got out a delectable orange Popsicle and settled in for some preseason NFL.  Even if I don't care about either team, it's football and that makes me happy.   I'd been sitting here a few minutes when I turned around and saw something.  It was my Popsicle!  Well, it was actually orange mush by this point.  I played some of my fave games online, then I went over to Pinterest.  I don't even know what set me off.  Between the ridiculous political ads on tv and some quotes on there, I went from content to wanting to cry my eyeballs out.

I chose not to cry.  It's not going to do a thing.  So, I came here.  I hope to one day be a published author.  For now, I write because it makes me feel better.  I'm not on the verge of tears anymore.

Surely I'm Related to Ted Turner

I'd say I need to win the lottery, but I never play, so it's kind of a futile thought.  This week has been filled with work, morning/evening/night sickness, sleep and carpet scrubbing.  I was crazy over the opening ceremony of the Olympics, but man am I sick of them.  No offense to the athletes, but if I wanted to watch this many sports, I'd have the tv on ESPN, ESPN2, SportsSouth, yada yada yada, all day every day. 

I have been viciously ill for a few days.  Today is shaping up much better having discovered that baby likes some Bojangles.  However, it's why I've had the tv on more than usual.  I'm not a tv fiend.  I love my shows: Glee, True Blood, The Mentalist and Criminal Minds.  Otherwise, unless it's Jeopardy, I don't care if it's on. 

AND, I am sick to death of the non-stop completely bs political ads from both sides.  Those ads don't sway voters.  If they do, then those voters scare me. 

I want to have a voice in what is on the tube.  What happened to days of good sitcoms, decent dramas, and news that wasn't complete sensationalism?  I sound like an old fogey, but I'm not old.  I'm sort of middle aged, but still.  There is a veritable pile of excrement that is paraded as television in the US.  Can someone trace my lineage, because this baby makes me too tired, to see if I'm in anyway connected to Ted Turner or any of those other network gurus?  I promise, MTV and VH1 would start playing videos again.

 

 

Shiny Objects and Squirrles

There's nothing shiny in front of me nor is there a squirrel in my bedroom.  I am having the most freakishly random thoughts and dreams of my life.  The only one comparable was when I was pregnant with Olivia.  I dreamed she was a little black boy.  Neither family was upset.  It was all curiosity as to where the hidden gene was.

Back to the here and now.  I'm going crazy in the bedroom about to OD on Facebook linked games.  My dear hubby was making himself a gourmet pizza when I came in.  No biggie, right?  My olfactory sense is in overdrive.  I rushed to the back of the house and shut the door.  I turned on the tv to catch Missy Franklin win a gold and set a new world record.  I'm playing Bejeweled Blitz with my friend Julie and Words With Friends in between turns of the others.

I totally screwed up the BB game against Christy because I was focused on Missy.  I made a second grade word because I watched diving.  Then, this lightning streak of red caught my eye.  It was the 100M prelims for women.  HSB....first, Alyson Felix is wearing a modified belly shirt and ass bearing super tight spandex bottoms.  Why not just run naked?  I mean, those airplane propeller legs caught my eye at first, then I was transfixed by the amount of butt cheek visible.  It's kind of like a boy short panty for those of you not watching.

What does any of this have in common?  Not a damn thing.  That's my initial point.  I am terribly unfocused.  Go USA.

image courtesy Teivan Pettinger

The Thrill, Truly, of Morning Sickness

I thought it was a bug since it hit at 2pm yesterday.  I felt bad all day and stayed in bed, but the hurling came at 2.  I slept off and on, having crazy bizarre dreams until 8:30 this morning.  I woke up still feeling 'off'.  I just had my second round of hurling and I think I can safely say that morning sickness is in full swing.

I am thrilled about that.  I know that most of you are thinking, "What??"  For women who get pregnant easily, have healthy babies and no children to die, pregnancy is different.  I envy you.  I have tried to be positive ever since I got the positive on the blood test.  It's really hard!  I worry that I will lose this one, too.

I  had nausea and some dry heaving with Olivia and the last pregnancy.  I had some nausea and heaves earlier in this one for one day.  These early weeks when you don't feel a baby move or see the big belly, everything is questionable.  Were my breasts bigger just because of extra fluid?  Was I extra tired because I was working so much?  Then, when those symptoms disappear for a bit, the big worry comes.

I feel better this morning than I have in days.  I welcome a daily hurl if that's what it takes to let me know the little one is still growing strong before I feel him or her.  Those of you around me, maybe not.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Pregnancy

I have been quiet here for a while.  There is a lot going on in my little nook of the world.  I've hesitated being public about the biggest thing because I have unnatural fears of jinx.

After some of the most horrible losses on the Earth, I am cautiously, wildly excited to be pregnant again.  Some precious few knew this was in the works.  Some more chosen knew when it occurred.  Then, I spilled the beans by accident about a week ago.  I figure it's time to just put it out there.

If my body, science, God and the universe allow, then little baby Sanders will arrive late next Winter.  I realized tonight when my husband was laughing at the pregnant woman farts that it was time to be real.

Pregnant women fart.  It's not pretty and if they take fish oil like I do, it's not sweet either.  My body is changing so incredibly quick this time.  The girls have decided they need to be more noticeable.  I've also developed the unnatural ability to float an armada of Spanish galleons if necessary due to hideous amounts of excess fluid.  I am so damn tired that when I wake up, I'm wondering when I can nap.  I had forgot the depth of this exhaustion.  As a couple of people have *kindly* pointed out, I'm older this time so it's probably worse because of that.  Olivia's dad says, "well it's been 10 years".  No, dumb ass, it's been 13 since I was pregnant with YOUR daughter.

The fact that I openly called him a dumb ass brings me to the biggest Ugly of pregnancy:  the moodiness.  Some days, I'm so crabby I can't stand myself.  Sometimes, I don't recognize it until I've snapped at someone.  If you're one of them, I wholeheartedly and deeply apologize.

I've seen my little peanut once.  I'll see her again in 9 days.  For some reason, saying "him" sounds wrong.  Only time will tell if I'm crazy on that one.  So, keep your fingers crossed, prayers going, and wishes coming that this little tadpole stays just where it is for another 30-33 weeks and grows into a healthy, strong, smallish baby.  I'd rather not push out a 9 lb-er. 

already...

Dark musings

In my dreams, the ugliness returns.  My biggest fears come alive.  It's like the electrically charged storms of summer in the south in my head.  Some things I'm willing to discuss with others.  Some, I don't want to say aloud. 

I want to feel safe.  I want to feel loved and cherished.  I want to feel like my future is as secure as a future can be.  I don't think those things are asking too much. 

In my fear, I strike out.  I hurt those I love.  It isn't intentional.  It is a knee-jerk reaction.  Maybe there isn't enough love to fix some things.  What if hurt is the norm and happy is the strange? 

Sadness seeps into the crevices of my heart that remain from its crushed self being squished back together.  It joins doubt and anger to the point of pushing out the love and hope that had set up residence. 

I tell myself to just stop...stop the bad thoughts;  Turn my brain onto sunshine and flowers.  If that worked, no one would need therapy or rehab.

Bleep...Silence...Bleep

Censorship is a tricky thing.  People claim it's for the greater good.  I claim it's complete and total horse shit.  Censorship is marketed as many things.  Recently, my employer, whom I can no longer name publicly, instituted a social media policy. 

The SMP on the surface is good.  There are too many of us who Tweet, update statuses, check out a comment on a blog, or any other number of things that can fall into the category, while at work.  I've been guilty of it.  However, there is an additional part to the policy. 

We are no longer allowed to name or affiliate ourselves publicly with the institution unless we have an official social media account.  Hmmmm....that seems like censorship to me.  Throw it in under the guise of accountability or productivity, but it isn't.  It's preventing me from networking with other professionals who use social media for that purpose.  For crying out loud, LinkdIn is a professional networking site. 

I am not striving to change anything.  I'm just wondering what the masses think about this.  I attended a session on social media at the conference I attended in May.  It didn't go this far.  What happens in your workplace?

Priorities, anyone?

People talk about getting priorities straight all the time.  Who REALLY does it?

If you serve a God, then ideally your hierarchy of importants should go something like :
God
Family (as defined by you)
Work (must support family)
Friends
Leisure
Extras

If you're a non-believer, then I'd think your hierarchy would go along the lines of :
Family
Friends
Work
Leisure
Extras

If you're wondering how I devised this, it goes as such:

We should commit the bulk of our time and energy to the people or entities we claim to love the most.  We have to work to provide for ourselves and family.  For me, FRIENDS actually is line with FAMILY because so many of my friends are considered family.  I put the extras in because we all have different things we assign priority.  For me, reading and writing would be one of those.

I am not absolving myself of guilt.  Let's get that straight right up front.  I mix these up like everyone else at times.  However, if there's a week when work takes precedence, should we not at least be emotionally committed to our higher-ups?

I hate it when people lament about not having the time to spend where they should.  Then, there's the usual something like, "But I was there in my heart!  You know I would be there if I could."

I disagree.  We do what we want to do.  The only thing I think most people do because it is a must is work.  I would love to hang out reading by a pool or ocean every day.  I can't.  I have a mortgage, car payment, insurance, etc.  I'd like to think those closest to me know that they are always at the top of my priority list.  But I make good choices and bad choices all the time.  The truth in that is that I am making the choices.

 I think we aren't very good at making the right choices.  There are some people who are great at it.  My friend Julie comes to mind.  I have those in my mind who I think suck at it, but I'll be discrete.
As a woman who has lived a life filled with emotional turmoil and loss, I urge you to rethink your priorities and make better choices.  That person who loves you may not wait around to feel like number one forever.

New Age Alternative Life

A while back, I talked about going to therapy for my PTSD.  EMDR continues to be one of the best and most difficult experiences of my life.  Today, my therapist, who I think I shall refer to from the present as the Corn, short for cornucopia of skills, introduced me to Reiki.  Now, I am not going to tout its healing properties or regale you with a fantastic tale of my restless leg syndrome disappearing.  However, I will tell you it is the most relaxed I've been since my honeymoon.  There is definitely something to the mind-body thing.

I am falling asleep as I'm trying to type.  I have the electric blanket wrapped burrito-like around my legs (that's my non-pharmaceutical RLS treatment)  and I'm ready to give it a whirl.  G'night all.

Jolt…a 100 Word Song Entry

There's a weekly contest run by Lance aka TLanceB in which he gives a song and entrants must write in 100 words exactly about the song. This is my first ride on this merry-go-round. This week's song is Grey Street by DMB. If the link doesn't work, I'll correct it upon returning to my home laptop.

 

Jolt

Back in the day, the colorblind test was given in school. Daphne never needed it. Her dreams had always been in grayscale. Life around her had always been in Technicolor. She knew they were innate, these skewed perceptions in life. Many a doctor had tried to bring color into her world with medications, none successfully. She was not the poster child for any pharmaceutical company. As she stared at the soft, grey walls, Daphne buzzed with both excitement and angst at the treatment the newest doctor was proposing. Color could come crashing into her world soon, with a jolt.

Merrell's Are Not Acceptable Bike Wear and Other Observations

Whew!  I'm home!  Sookie is glad.  My body is glad.  Kelly doesn't ever want to come home.

Two weeks ago, I was headed to the 5th International Family and Patient Centered Care Conference in Washington, D.C.  Last week, we were heading to the Outer Banks of NC for vacation.  Soooo much has happened!

The Conference:
It was phenomenal.  That's the only way I can describe it.  I was surrounded by people who believe in what I do for a living; who value my education, but also value my life experience and its role in my work; and by some of the most incredible figures in health care in the world.

I learned so many interesting and valuable things that apply to my hospital work and also to life in general.  For instance, if you have a user name on Twitter, a blog, Facebook, etc. search it on Google.  I had over 5 pages of hits on mine.  I had no idea that much was publicly available!  Also, prospective employers do that as well.  It's a good thing I only swear about personal things.

The VP of Canada's largest health system said we were the best presentation of the conference.  Wowzas!  Ummhmm, yeah, yeah.  I shook my tail feathers on that one.  People from stellar facilities suggested we become educators in FPCC.  I am humbled and awed.

I discovered that getting down into the Metro was a little like a snowy mountain scene in a James Bond movie...I have a picture in my head, but I can't figure out which movie...It's just this cavernous tunnel burrowing crazily into the ground.  I've ridden the NYC subway dozens of times, but the D.C. Metro threw me.

I discovered Lady Anti-Monkey Butt.  What is THAT, you ask?  It's this fantastic anti-friction powder.  Great for hot days and bras or thighs.

Finally, Jenny Lawson's book Let's Pretend This Never Happened made for great plane entertainment.  My manager and I read together and were so boisterous with our laughter that we met a woman at the hotel who recognized us from that!   


Next, the beach!

We went to Nags Head, Outer Banks, NC.  Those are the barrier islands off the NC Coast for which lighthouses and pirates are famous.  For those of you familiar with my fear of bridges, you'll understand that this is a HUGE deal.  There are three doozie bridges, one over 5 miles long.  It's not a beautiful scene either like the 7 Mile Bridge in the Keys.  That aqua water just soothes my anxious soul.  Anyway, we made a convoy of Sanders from here to there.  It was great driving and we arrived to beautiful weather and waves.

This is literally just out of the car: 

I'm slightly less pale, except for the myriad skeeter bites on my face and body, today.  I'm much more rested.  I'm more literally rounded, having read four books in 5 days.  I'm puzzle queen after this monster, which I did not complete on my own, but I was obsessed by it.







The winds picked up to storm-force yesterday.  This morning it was still so bad that it blew the hair wrap off my head which was drying my hair.

Our ride home was adventurous.  I saw an El Camino and realized it's the original hybrid car.  I saw a man on a Harley sporting Merrell's.  REALLY?  In what HOG chapter or Gran Torino scene do comfort clogs go with a kick ass motorcycle?  I am driving down I-40 as excessive speed and those suckers stood out in the lane next to me.  Seriously shaking my head at that...

Home Sweet Home it is, to mounds of laundry, a lonely cat and dog, my Altima (a story in itself) and my bed.  Ahh, my bed...see you soon, friend.

The End and The Beginning

This week has been crazy busy.  Lots of normal and abnormal stuff.  Lots of thoughts of the intense kind.

It's public knowledge at the place where I work and the community that the program I love and have been with from the beginning is in a very unsure place right now.  My job as a Navigator is in jeopardy.  We are grant funded and that time has run out.  We have monies left to get us through September.  Our hospital announced budget issues months ago.  Since we are not already under their budget umbrella, it will be shocking if we get added in when others are being cut.

This breaks my heart.  I let it consume me for a few weeks, then I stopped.  I started browsing for jobs.  Since this is a pilot program, for lack of a better term, there are no jobs like it anywhere near here.  I started looking back at case management, which I'm good at, but not my passion.  I put in one app at a company late Saturday night two weeks ago.  The next Monday, I was called for an interview.  I thought, "sweet..someone thinks I look good on paper."  Even though this is not a job I want, I decided to go because if Baptist falls through, I don't want to be on the unemployment line.

I went to my job interview Wednesday.  I had a great Thelma to my Louise for an unexpected mini-road trip.  Thanks, Amanda!  I was slightly unprepared.  It was more like a second round interview, but there I was.  My filter failed me once.  I'm hoping it wasn't horrendous.  Here's the scene:

I'm at a table with 4 supervisors.  They've told me I'd have a home office, agency vehicle, smart phone, and laptop a few minutes prior.  Then, one of their prepared questions was

Blond supervisor: How would you keep in contact with your manager, since you'd be off-site?
Me: Well, you just told me I'd have a smart phone and laptop.  I'm really good at text and email, but if I need to work on smoke signals, I will.
Group: Eyeballs roving, silence, then
Blond Supervisor: Well, I guess we could work on smoke signals.

I'm hoping that wasn't an epic fail.  Fail, maybe, but not epic since she smiled and responded.

We'll see what happens with this job situation.  For right now, I'm starting two weeks of off-hospital time.  I leave tomorrow for my conference with my manager where we will present on the Navigator program.  I'm thrilled at the opportunities I'll have.  I'm thrilled to share about this program I feel so strongly about.  I just hate it may be for naught.

Next Saturday, we head out for the Outer Banks, NC.  Here's what I plan on doing for most of the time.  I have secured the first two E.L. James books about Grey.

Happy Summer, everyone!

*This blog is my personal view.  I am not an official Medical Center Spokesperson*

Grey Skies and Giant Flesh-Eating Bugs

That is about as close to OPPOSITE of sunshine and butterflies I can think. I tried so damn hard earlier this week to be positive. I tried to be positive about even things that weren't so positive. Back when I talked about Yin and Yang last year, I was sort of being sarcastic. I do that sometimes, but my husband doesn't think it's often enough. I was really kind of serious, too.
This week has, in actuality, been a big ol' steaming pile of donkey shit. It has been very un-positive. Last Sunday, I had Kelly bring something to the mall that I'd forgot. As he left, he ran over some glass and just a half mile away goes hella flat. That was bad enough. A new pair or set of tires is not so much in the budget. Carrying on, around Wednesday, the toilet in the master bath decides to pull a Niagara Falls. I got some plumbing advice. I thrust my arm in the dark, icky back tank water. Alas, it is not to be fixed, but a part replaced. We didn't quite get to that. You see, there was an unfortunate accident in MY car on Thursday. No one was injured, Thank God. However, it isn't drivable. I have a great brand-spanking-new Camry to drive while I await the verdict on mine.
Rewind about 10 days ago to horrendous rain locally. There was flooding by the stick water on the main thoroughfare near our house. Apparently, Kelly got water in his fuel line when his car was riding the waves. It's been doing ok, but yesterday it wouldn't crank for him. Usually, he lets it sit a couple of hours and it starts right up. We had to be at dinner, so we left it sitting and then came back after. Sure enough, it cranked right up.
About 5 minutes from home, I get a call. It stopped. I make a big circle to get back and it didn't appear to have sputtered, drifting off to the side to stop, but stopped dead middle of the lane like a Tonka truck on a race track. Holy. Shit. Balls. We can't push it off to the side because there's a ditch that Kelly avoided falling into like an Olympian balance beam dismount. It was a tense situation. It's after midnight in a sketchy location. We were in a sketchy location as I had turned to avoid the stop sign where a truck threw a big assed rock up on my car last week and knocked a chunk of paint off. Luckily, a Sheriff's deputy came by. He called a city cop to come. That's some good police work there. I digress. It just so happens that I had a tow guy's card in my purse from Thursday. We wondered if he'd give us a BOGO, but no dice. He did get there in a half hour or so. We only had a few drunks shout at us and there were just a few near misses with cars trying to get around both of ours and the PoPo.
A big shout out of thanks to Travis Y. for checking on me when he saw me sitting at the Humane Society Thursday. Good people, he is. A big WTMFS to Nissan. My Altima has an invisible bullseye apparently. Kelly's isn't looking much better. Is there an Altima-hater's society out to get us?
Alas, it is Sunday night. I am going to deep breathe my way through the end of my shift. I'm going to sleep tonight. I pray in every religion and every language that this week goes more smoothly.

Positively Bright

Well, meeting Kelly Cochran was surely important in my life.  I'm striving every day to be better, more positive and hopeful.  I was inspired by my last post to really start something from an idea.  It is a baby idea, but it is live.  I started a grief support page on Facebook.  It's called Just Breathe.  I really need to trademark that. 

The response has been exciting.  People are sharing the page, talking about it and talking on it.  I'm thrilled!  I really want to morph it into a chapter of TCF or just local spin offs.

Today, I came home and saw my beautiful calla lilies blooming.  I've returned at night so much lately I haven't seen the yard really.  I have two sets of these that were gifts years ago.  Look at these beauties!

They might not be roses, but they are so beautiful that I stopped to take a moment with them today.  I decided on my one evening home that I'd treat myself.  I tried to cover my white hairs.  It's not the worst disaster ever.  Next, I polished finger and toe nails.  I have my paraffin spa heated and am going to treat all four paws to that when I finish typing.

The next four weeks are going to be a roller coaster of activity and emotion.  Keep your fingers crossed my positive attitude sticks.  Or else, you'll have to use YOUR filter with all my bitching.  Que sera sera.

Support, Not In a D-cup Way

I am struggling to do something to help others that is not in my day-to-day work.  I am a codependent to the core!  Having identified that in recent weeks, I'm breaking out of it and learning to redirect my tendencies.

Before Olivia was terminally ill, I wanted to work with a hospice organization.  I wrote my graduate school essay on it.  In my personal life and work life, I have gained a tremendous amount of intimate knowledge of the dying person and process.  I am not a licensed professional.  I am a bereaved daughter and mother and peer support person.

I am wondering about starting a peer support group for bereaved parents.  In discussion a few years ago, there was interest to have one locally.  A few of us met for coffee once.  But, the actual committee that met determined that a structured program led by a therapist was more in line.  The other moms I knew then and I disagreed.  We wanted people who had walked our walk to talk to.

I find myself doing this all the time anyway.  I am wondering if there is interest in the triad/Piedmont area* for such a thing?  If you will, let me know either publicly or privately.  I have another mom who is interested in helping get it off the ground as well.

Gifts our loved ones have given us can't be measured by the years they lived.  These gifts are measured by the love we shared with them. ~ Pat Loder



*Mt. Airy, Pilot Mountain, Winston-Salem, Greensboro, High Point, etc.

A Pinch of This; A Dash of That

What a full week! I'm going over in my head everything I want to write down so I don't forget. I have done that every day and I know I'll forget something anyway.

I think I'll do a good-bad-good sandwich. I had a supervisor a few years ago who swore this is the best way to incorporate anything negative. I'm not sure if anything would make being bitten by a poisonous viper better, but let's try that. 

Yesterday started out with the best home cooked, served in bed breakfast ever. I felt like a queen! Then, I went to work on shrub trimming. That is a sweaty, nasty job! There's an abundance of periwinkle that is overgrown around them and camouflages everything. As I moved the trimmings, a vicious piercing stab was felt on my arm. I saw the thick, green thing slither away just in time to summon enough strength to yell for my neighbor, Jamie. She's not very nice, but I figured she wouldn't let me die. The fire department at the end of the street's quick response was also helpful. After lots of pain, fainting, injections and who knows what else, I was fine enough to go back to yard work. 

Then, we went to see the Avengers and it was fantastic! Oh, my goodness…those bodysuits Black Widow wore made me wish for a nasty c.diff infection so I could lose weight fast. Loved it totally!

On Thursday, my friend Laura and I went down to Concord Mills. We made a day of it, even though the big event was meeting Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess. It was soooo fun! On the way down, I was worried my nails didn't look good enough. I polished them going down Business 85. Anyone who has driven that stretch from Davidson County to Charlotte can attest that this was quite the feat! We went into BAM first thing to plan our day. I needed logistics. I sounded so knowledgeable that the store manager assumed I was her people. Don't I wish! After hours of shopping, trying on fancy clothes, eating at my favorite rib place Sticky Fingers, and wearing ourselves out, it was time! Holy shit! There was nobody an hour earlier, and then suddenly, we were on the next to last row of chairs. How is this possible for HER people??? *snickers*
Here comes the slide show…

Who brings little kids to this? Is 'fuck' part of preschool vocab now?

People brought their Beyonce clones to be signed

Anticipation!

Ah…my short moment! This is Jenny's pose. That's

Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey in person! (Nails aren't even visible)

       

We were wiped out on the way home, but still had enough in us to sing out to music and chatter. It was a great, great day. Note to self: never go sleeveless when there are pictures involved.

p.s. I didn't really get bitten by a viper or any other snake.  The tube was either the green extension cord or the water hose.  I did get bitten this week, though. There were two matching sites
 that looked like snake holes. They itched like a mo'fo', too.

A Meeting of the Minds

Today, I went to an annual workshop called Because We Care.  That's a program for bereaved parents at my hospital.  I go to the workshop regularly.  I have for 5 or 6 out of the past 7.  It's usually informative in some way.  Listening to parents tell their stories is heartwarming.  The food is hit or miss.

Today, was the best one ever!  Our speaker was Kelly Swanson.  She had me at "tube sock boobs".  I am chronically sleep deprived.  I held it 'til about 3:30, then I struggled.  Normally, I'd go to the bathroom and splash water or take a nap on the toilet.  I massaged my head.  I tapped my face.  I did whatever I could to NOT miss what she was saying. 

Kelly is outrageously funny, but has wise words.  Her talk on self-care netted me a three hour nap tonight.  I am a good student. :-)

There was also this fantastic food.  Who knew hamburger steak could taste gourmet?  And, really, I am going to need a recipe for tomato pie.

It was a good day and it led to a great evening.  Rock on, Kelly.

Here's a fancy head shot.  I like to know who I'm reading about, don't you?