Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Merry Christmas to All

I have not even managed to make a quarterly posting this year! Eeeeeeeee...this parenting a typical toddler is no joke!

My year has been filled with joys and sorrows, as most years are. I lost my job of 5+ years at Brenner Children's Hospital. I was part of a large layoff last spring. I enjoyed a couple of months being a SAHM to my wonderful boy, then jumped back in as a hospice social worker. I love the work I do. I miss the hospital. I do not miss the 10-hr shifts! I saw my rainbow baby boy walk and run and climb! I receive daily hugs and kisses. When he's sad or hurt or tired, he says, "Mommy hold you" or "Mommy's baby". I reply, "Yes, you are Mommy's baby". I hold him until he wants down or I have to pee. I'd hold him all day, every day if he'd let me and I didn't have to work. Or pee. Pesky bodily functions get in the way of my joy! BUT, I am thrilled that he does not want that. He is growing and developing astronomically fast! He speaks around a 3-yr-old level. His pediatrician is always showing him off to her colleagues. I feel so amazed by him daily and thankful to no end.

My nephew, Justin, died at age 25 on Friday.

You can read some of my older blog posts here to refresh your memory of him. He had a spinal cord injury that resulted in paralysis. He’d battled many issues related to that during the past 39 months. This time, he said he was tired and done. It was sad because of his age. The true sadness came years ago as he wandered onto a path of drugs, criminal behavior and then mental illness found its way to him. I hope he is truly at peace now.

My husband went from a part-time worker and SAHD while I worked to a small business owner! It’s been a huge change for our family. There have certainly been speed bumps. He’s getting over them pretty impressively.

My heart still hurts for Olivia. The void that she left will never be filled. I am thankful that time has helped the sharp pain become duller. I am beyond grateful that I have a healthy, beautiful, rambunctious little boy who requires so much of me that I don’t sit and dwell on the hurt. It is kind of like a sunset amongst clouds now. The rays peek in and out, but they aren’t the most visible now. I’m ok with that. Being happy doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It means I’ve kept living. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

As Emory’s independence grows, I hope to get back to writing. I miss the outlet. I don’t think people are dying to know my thoughts. Writing them and sharing them is for me.  I hope that someone who’s going through similar things may find something useful in my words. Thank you for taking the time to read them.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and all that jazz!

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Hello? Is Anyone Out There?

Geez, Louise (and everyone else not named Louise who is reading)....I used to write every day.  Now, the most I write is a text message or 12.  I'm either at work or with my sweet Emory.  Typing is not possible with him.  He loves the computer and tries very hard to help me.  Last night, he found apps on Windows 8 that I didn't even know existed.  Maybe if I let him help, he'll figure it out since I don't seem to be able.

Ah, my boy.  I am like an alcoholic with him.  I can never spend enough time with him.  When I wake up and see that beautiful face next to me, it's like a high.  When I'm away from him, I feel sad and incomplete and all I want is to hold him.  I'll take this addiction any day.

He's 1.  HE'S ONE!  How did that happen????  I feel like the past year has been the fastest of my life.  I am behind in almost every aspect of daily living.  My house is cluttered beyond belief.  My desk drawers are cluttered beyond belief.  I wear pony tails more often than not.  It's all ok.  It may not be for everyone, but it is for me.

Today, this happened:

Why is this a big deal?  Why does it make me giggle?  Why did I not scold him?  

Because he can do it.  He can crawl to the toilet, pull up, and toss in a toy.  I never had the chance to scold Olivia for putting things in the toilet.  I never had to pull her down off the side of a piece of furniture.  I never had to stop her from dumping out the dog's water bowl.  Emory hasn't done anything dangerous yet.  He hasn't done anything that could be a bad habit.  He's simply exploring his world.  I applaud it!  I applaud him!  
People who have never had a child with special needs do not understand this.  I get chided for not telling him "no".  I have a beautiful, healthy, curious TODDLER.  I will let him toddle and flush the toilet as many times as he likes until I can't pay the water bill.  (That happened, too, this morning).  He also rolled off the toilet paper.  Oh, well....

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of this beautiful boy.  

Could you tell him 'no'?  I thought not.