Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Dark musings

In my dreams, the ugliness returns.  My biggest fears come alive.  It's like the electrically charged storms of summer in the south in my head.  Some things I'm willing to discuss with others.  Some, I don't want to say aloud. 

I want to feel safe.  I want to feel loved and cherished.  I want to feel like my future is as secure as a future can be.  I don't think those things are asking too much. 

In my fear, I strike out.  I hurt those I love.  It isn't intentional.  It is a knee-jerk reaction.  Maybe there isn't enough love to fix some things.  What if hurt is the norm and happy is the strange? 

Sadness seeps into the crevices of my heart that remain from its crushed self being squished back together.  It joins doubt and anger to the point of pushing out the love and hope that had set up residence. 

I tell myself to just stop...stop the bad thoughts;  Turn my brain onto sunshine and flowers.  If that worked, no one would need therapy or rehab.


  1. ♥Happy day! I’ve nominated you for an award at

    Thank you for being inspirational!


  2. Last night I saw a post by a girl on facebook. It was on my newsfeed. She was sad and didn't want to live on and that made me click on her. I clicked her "about" and read about her daughter. I clicked her photos and saw her daughter's pictures. I started crying. I cried like I knew that child. I think that's the first time I've ever experienced someone's pain. Maybe from what I've recently experience I became vulnerable. Today, I reread your post, with a hurtful heart for you. I still cannot imagine, even though losing who I hadn't met still hurts me. I'm so sorry for what you endure. I'm so sorry for your fears as well.


Awaiting moderation