Happy Happy Joy Joy

I have feared writing anything so positive as I fear the jinx.

When I started  blogging years ago and then again last year, I wasn't always in a happy place.  As a matter of fact, I was in dark holes within myself many days.  The blog was a way for me to get some of that ugliness out without, hopefully, hurting myself or too many others in the process.

The past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Then again, I think that may be true for the majority of people.  Maybe it isn't and I'm slightly more unstable.  Regardless, I have swung between ecstasy and despair often.

I am on the verge of ecstasy again.  This pregnancy has been physically hard and an emotional challenge for both Kelly and me.  I think we were both afraid for a long time that it would end as the last two with nothing but heartbreak and tears.  That fear impeded my joy for too long.

I'm just one week away from the third trimester.  I am not a fool and think we're in the clear now.  My job is half dictated by the percentages of babies who come too soon!  However, I feel like it's foolish to walk on eggshells and not enjoy every precious minute left of Emory's baking.

As miserable as my nights are now, feeling his gymnastics as I wake up or try to drift off brings me pure happiness.  It's not very long until I have to share him with others!  Don't get me wrong; I want to see the faces of my mother- and father-in-law as they hold him for the first time.  I can hardly wait to see Kelly's eyes and watch those big, strong arms envelope his tiny son.  But, I also think most women who've been pregnant can agree that there is something completely, selfishly wonderful about the pregnancy when they're just ours.

Yesterday, my girlfriends, a number of my Posse in fact, gave us a little shower for baby Emory.  It was soooooo fun!  I felt very loved and honored.  I had a fantastic Mom-To-Be tiara, even.  I am so thankful to have these women in my life.  They just add to the good parts and help soften the blows of the bad ones.

*Smiles and sighs*

Priorities, anyone?

People talk about getting priorities straight all the time.  Who REALLY does it?

If you serve a God, then ideally your hierarchy of importants should go something like :
God
Family (as defined by you)
Work (must support family)
Friends
Leisure
Extras

If you're a non-believer, then I'd think your hierarchy would go along the lines of :
Family
Friends
Work
Leisure
Extras

If you're wondering how I devised this, it goes as such:

We should commit the bulk of our time and energy to the people or entities we claim to love the most.  We have to work to provide for ourselves and family.  For me, FRIENDS actually is line with FAMILY because so many of my friends are considered family.  I put the extras in because we all have different things we assign priority.  For me, reading and writing would be one of those.

I am not absolving myself of guilt.  Let's get that straight right up front.  I mix these up like everyone else at times.  However, if there's a week when work takes precedence, should we not at least be emotionally committed to our higher-ups?

I hate it when people lament about not having the time to spend where they should.  Then, there's the usual something like, "But I was there in my heart!  You know I would be there if I could."

I disagree.  We do what we want to do.  The only thing I think most people do because it is a must is work.  I would love to hang out reading by a pool or ocean every day.  I can't.  I have a mortgage, car payment, insurance, etc.  I'd like to think those closest to me know that they are always at the top of my priority list.  But I make good choices and bad choices all the time.  The truth in that is that I am making the choices.

 I think we aren't very good at making the right choices.  There are some people who are great at it.  My friend Julie comes to mind.  I have those in my mind who I think suck at it, but I'll be discrete.
As a woman who has lived a life filled with emotional turmoil and loss, I urge you to rethink your priorities and make better choices.  That person who loves you may not wait around to feel like number one forever.

A Pinch of This; A Dash of That

What a full week! I'm going over in my head everything I want to write down so I don't forget. I have done that every day and I know I'll forget something anyway.

I think I'll do a good-bad-good sandwich. I had a supervisor a few years ago who swore this is the best way to incorporate anything negative. I'm not sure if anything would make being bitten by a poisonous viper better, but let's try that. 

Yesterday started out with the best home cooked, served in bed breakfast ever. I felt like a queen! Then, I went to work on shrub trimming. That is a sweaty, nasty job! There's an abundance of periwinkle that is overgrown around them and camouflages everything. As I moved the trimmings, a vicious piercing stab was felt on my arm. I saw the thick, green thing slither away just in time to summon enough strength to yell for my neighbor, Jamie. She's not very nice, but I figured she wouldn't let me die. The fire department at the end of the street's quick response was also helpful. After lots of pain, fainting, injections and who knows what else, I was fine enough to go back to yard work. 

Then, we went to see the Avengers and it was fantastic! Oh, my goodness…those bodysuits Black Widow wore made me wish for a nasty c.diff infection so I could lose weight fast. Loved it totally!

On Thursday, my friend Laura and I went down to Concord Mills. We made a day of it, even though the big event was meeting Jenny Lawson aka The Bloggess. It was soooo fun! On the way down, I was worried my nails didn't look good enough. I polished them going down Business 85. Anyone who has driven that stretch from Davidson County to Charlotte can attest that this was quite the feat! We went into BAM first thing to plan our day. I needed logistics. I sounded so knowledgeable that the store manager assumed I was her people. Don't I wish! After hours of shopping, trying on fancy clothes, eating at my favorite rib place Sticky Fingers, and wearing ourselves out, it was time! Holy shit! There was nobody an hour earlier, and then suddenly, we were on the next to last row of chairs. How is this possible for HER people??? *snickers*
Here comes the slide show…

Who brings little kids to this? Is 'fuck' part of preschool vocab now?

People brought their Beyonce clones to be signed

Anticipation!

Ah…my short moment! This is Jenny's pose. That's

Copernicus the Homicidal Monkey in person! (Nails aren't even visible)

       

We were wiped out on the way home, but still had enough in us to sing out to music and chatter. It was a great, great day. Note to self: never go sleeveless when there are pictures involved.

p.s. I didn't really get bitten by a viper or any other snake.  The tube was either the green extension cord or the water hose.  I did get bitten this week, though. There were two matching sites
 that looked like snake holes. They itched like a mo'fo', too.

The Day My World Ended

I know technically my world is still rotating.  I am still breathing.  But, my axis, my center is gone.  Four years ago today - at 4:58pm to be exact - Olivia left this world cradled in my arms.

If you read my earlier post about her entry into this world, you might see something familiar.  Olivia was born at 4:58 am and died at 4:58pm.  She was born on February 5th and died on February 10th.  She died in 2008 at the age of 8.  My diva was all about symmetry, apparently.  She was amazing in every way.

I know I grew her.  I know I birthed her.  I know she looked like me.  I know she was mine.  BUT, I have heard for years, from many people that she was special.  There was just something about her.  She grabbed people.  There were people from around the world praying for her (thanks to the blog and list-serve in which I was involved at that time).  Each day, I could log onto my email and there would be digests or individual emails from Israel or China or Australia.  Some were worded in ways that were unusual to me.  That didn't matter.  It was the true love and caring that came through.  When she died, there were hundreds that poured into the church over two days to pay respects, some driving for hours to get there.  I was shocked and amazed and so proud of the way my tiny, wise, loving daughter had touched so many lives.

I know it may surprise you to hear that I did things differently.  Many are too personal for public consumption.  The easy parts to share are that I tried to keep some part of her life normal.  Olivia didn't die in a hospital.  She was home.  We enlisted hospice services.  There had been too many surgeries.  There were too many brushes with death.  There was nothing else to do to stop the demon that was the seizure monster.  So, we stayed home where she was happiest.  She was with her cats that she loved and who loved her.  Albert and Snooks stayed on her person or by her side as if they were fierce protectors.

She stayed on her Mommy as much as possible until my friends, or the Posse as they became known, forced me to shower and eat.  Although, toward the last weeks, people even fed me so I didn't have to put her down.  I didn't want to miss a single minute.  I cherished every second.  My God, there could never be enough of them!

From January 2 until February 10th, it was a waiting game.  It was gut wrenching.  I felt like my heart was ripped out, shredded and put back in a million times.  The last time, four years ago today, only part of it was put back in.  I haven't been whole since.  I am thankful for the love and devotion of those Posse members who have held on to me and kept me from tipping over the edge.  I am thankful for new ones who have come into my life to strengthen the rope.  Kelly is doing his part to be patient and tolerant of my lashing out.  I can only imagine what it's like to experience it when you didn't experience the event.

I lie here covered in my quilt made from her clothes.  It's been washed many times, but they still covered her at some point.  It's my way of holding her today.  There is nothing I wouldn't give to have Olivia Nicole in my arms again.  The only solace is knowing she doesn't have those damnable seizures anymore.

Thanks to one of the original Posse members, there is an actual star named Princess Olivia.  I've never taken the coordinates to a planetarium and looked, so I just look at the night sky and assume the brightest thing I see is it.  When you look up tonight, wave and say "Happy Angelversary, Princess O".  It's happy because there is no more pain and there are no more tubes.  That is how I keep breathing and standing on solid ground.

Cover Ups

You know how you can fight with your best friend or your sibling or even your significant other over the tiniest of things?  It could be a snide remark or WWIII and it all stems from a much deeper, bigger issue that no one will actually talk about. 

How do you get to that issue and have an open, meaningful conversation that actually ends with resolution of some sort?  I'm seeing this all around me lately.  I seem to handle situations like this differently depending on who the person is.  

I am a tad stubborn.  Without even realizing it, I want to stand my ground and dig my heels in.  I think all of us have that instinct.  We don't want to feel like a doormat to be walked on.  Our issues, the big ones or the small ones, are important to us.  I've heard for years "pick your battles".  That's easier applied to your toddler, I think, than your best friend who was 30 minutes late for girls' night, but you're actually ticked off about something that happened weeks ago.  You can all get ticked off at me for that incredibly long run-on sentence.

I'm learning a lot from a newer, incredibly close friend.  Jill is teaching me a lot about patience and loving someone through the hard times.  She's doing a great job loving me through some roughness.  I'm facing a harsh, personal reality that I can't escape in any part of my life or mind.  In turn, I'm harsh with everyone I love without even realizing it sometimes or, I just withdraw.  I am thankful for Jill who is pushing her way through.  I think I'd be surviving on Xanax alone without the Jagger moves.

p.s.  make no assumptions

I did!

Whew!  Talk about a wild ride.  The whirlwind planning and last minute dash panned out and pulled together a beautiful, perfect wedding.  I know it was mine, but I heard that from several people.  The torrential, frigid rain of the day before cleared out to show off the magnificent view just hours before we began.

I am overcome at the thoughts of the special faces I saw in the small crowd.  People who struggled to make it there, but did.  People who took time away from critically ill family members, but did.  People who drove miles and miles, a couple or 6 hours, but they did.

It was exceptional.  For the first time in my life, I felt truly beautiful.  The people I love most in the world were there.  The ring I wear was given as a total surprise the night before and is more precious than one can imagine.  

There were also funny moments.  What else would someone expect from me??  Our fab minister quoted the "great theologian Steven Tyler"...complete awesomeness.  The wind was too brisk for the unity candle to light, so I just announced it was a symbolic unity candle.  There's a random guy scratching his ass in one of the snapshots.

We could not have asked for anything more perfect.  It's not the size of the wedding that matters.  It's the love and people who are in it.

And we WILL live happily ever after....even if there are ups, downs, and sad spots!

Stock Market, Shock Market

I am not a Dow fan.  Although, I was startled to hear about the Mt. Everest-sized tumble it took recently.  I, personally, think we should go back to the barter system.  None of the three jobs I have would help me with that.  I mean, I am great at supporting you if you have a child in critical condition or if you need help finding some linen trousers.  Neither of those skills is going to help me down at the market when it's time for trading.

I've decided I need to develop a consumable product.  I was actually purchasing toilet paper when I thought of this, but nevertheless, I'm thinking more along the lines of food products.  I'm not into the farming thing, so no piggies, cows, chicks, or other fowl for me.  I think I need to create a niche in baking.  Baked goods last longer, so if I can't get to said market for a day or so, it's not like a tequila marinated London broil.  That bad boy won't be a hot commodity on day 2.  I do have friends who are good at all sorts of things though and one of them is superior at tasty meat.

So, I propose we go back to the public market.  We all assemble and choose our food group.  Yes, we start with food.  Then, we'll work our way to household items.  We can set daily hours and that way there is a large variety of items available regularly.  It would go something like

Me:  I have two dozen Massive Minty Mocha Munchies ( the BEST mint chocolate cookies you've ever put in your mouth)

Julie M:  I have  6 large lump crab cakes

Ricky S: Tasty Meat, get yer tasty meat

Sam M:  Spicy sides, take some Pepcid now!

Brandy C:  Goat milk!

Laura G:  I can offer organic corn, peas and string beans.....

You get the idea.  Who's with me?