Monday, August 29, 2011

Every Little Thing

Steph, you're gonna think you're my muse. 

I am the queen of 'glass half full' thinking.  It may take me a while to get there for some situations, but I get there.  I mean, seriously, if I can take the death of my only child and find any positive thing to come out of it, then I have to have flowers to pull out of my ass, right?

I have come very close to losing that part of me this year.  Nothing worse than losing Olivia will ever happen to me.  There is no hurt, event, occurence, NOTHING worse than the death of a child.  However, when you've been emotionally beaten; when you've experienced loss after loss; when you've seen others experience those same losses; when you've seen people you love hurt and have their hearts shredded; when you bounce back like a Weeble over and over and over..............

There is a breaking point.  I've had a few over the past 3 years, 6 months and 19 days.  I came very close to tipping over the edge.  I was lucky beyond belief to have my Posse to grab on and hold me tight.  For those who don't have a Posse, they tip. 

I feel like a yo-yo.  I get close to my breaking point, then I pull myself back.  I get close again, then I pull back because in the deepest part of me I keep thinking everything will be ok.  I have been telling someone that for days now as she faces losing her child.  No matter what, it will be ok until it's not and then it's over.  That is how I have survived.  That is my mantra.  Everything will be ok until it's not and then it will be over. 

There really is a time to say "this is NOT ok" and I am there.

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