Monday, April 9, 2012

A-Z, F...Flailing

I've been struggling to write my F challenge.  I have started it three times.  Yes, I am flailing.

I have started on freedoms...personal freedoms.  The way it feels when we finally, truly unburden ourselves of something that is like the weight of an extra person we're carrying.

I have started on fakes...forgeries, fallacies, foolery.  Things that look pretty and authentic on the outside, but if the layers are peeled back, the original underneath is everything from unattractive to ugly and putrid.

So, now, I simply flail.  I'm flailing emotionally after a weekend of family emotional and physical drama.  My brother-in-law took a serious fall.  He's lucky in that there is no head injury or internal bleeding.  However, he has multiple broken bones and now has pneumonia.  It was very frightening for him, his wife, and children.  It has shaken all of us.  This is the same family whose oldest boy broke his neck just seven months ago.

I'm flailing emotionally as I'm inundated with feelings I'd rather ignore.  Too much is going on in my little world!  I don't want to deal with creepers.  My subconscious needs to get back to work at burying things.

I'm flailing as a wife.  Maybe, that should be failing.  I have so much of the other going on, I feel like I'm simply a drifting vessel who slides in and out of the door between shifts at work.

I'm flailing as a friend.  Some of the women I love most on this earth are becoming strangers to me.  I have holes in my heart shaped in Ms, Ss, Ls, and so on.  I am stretched too thin, which is no one's fault but my own.  So these stumpy arms are reaching and waving to get the attention as my friends go by, but it's not quick enough.  They are having their lives without me.  I am flailing on the sidelines.

Then, there is work.  Some days, I feel like I am at the top of my game.  Others, all of this gets to me and I feel like I flail there, too.

I am searching for balance.  It is tough!  Does anyone get it right consistently?  Does anyone feel like their arms are in socket solidly? 

I don't want to be this guy....


  1. It sounds like you put everything else before yourself. I say get selfish and what i mean is what makes you happy? Find happy and everything else balances out. Seems selfish and it is, but it is your life; your experience on this earth is a gift to you! I think everyone has suffered "flailing" and the ones who've beat it probably did so by getting selfish and taking back the happiness they'd sacrificed to appease others...

    1. I am working on it, but it's so damn hard to just do what I want with no regard for anything else! I did for a little while last night and it was really kind of nice. Then, I wrote the blog.

    2. In February, I bought a skein of yarn and a crochet hook and via youtube, I've learned how to crochet... I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it. OMG, I can't believe how happy I am (or obsessed) with this new thing.... I give all my free time to it and I even dodge stuff to do it. Crocheting probably sounds silly- but I don't care anymore about what's going on in the world or facebook or anything outside of my business (household and work). This was one way I found happiness... and it's made me want to remain single! I think a boyfriend would interfere with my crocheting time! HAHA!!!


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