I Only Need One Deadly Sin

Freely admitted glutton here.  Thanksgiving didn't go exactly according to plan, but I should have expected that, since none of my plans ever go as planned.  I didn't get to sleep in (shocker).  I was able to go visit Olivia's grave and get her mini Christmas tree in place.  If her stuff is done, it really doesn't matter if I ever get mine finished.

Although, I really want to decorate a tree.  For most of my adult life, I put up my Christmas tree Thanksgiving night or the day after.  Things were a little schedule-challenged the past few years.  I work at the hospital this weekend, so even that is totally out of the picture.   I am not lazy!  I went and dug through the storage building this morning.  I found two boxes of the decorations.  Alas, I worked at the mall on this dreaded black Friday, so I'm stuck for now.

As for the food, it was delish.  I went crazy over the yeast rolls.  I could have eaten a whole pan.  There was a super yummy chocolate pie and fab pumpkin pie, too.  I've never been the Thanksgiving nap person.  But, yesterday, I crawled up on my Mother-in-law's bed wrapped in a blankie and sacked out!  I didn't even watch football!

My resolve had been to enjoy the day and not focus on the hurt.  The hurt is always there.  I wish people got that, REALLY got that.  I cried a lot yesterday.  I cried a lot last night.  I've cried a lot today.  Sometimes, the old wounds weep, regardless of our resolve to keep them shut.  At best, those around us have emotional salve and bandages ready.  At worst, they say they weren't a part of that time or something insensitive like that (come on Joanie, Joey, Steph....you know what I mean) and expect you to 'get over it'.

I think this is why gluttony would be the 1 of the 7 deadly sins I associate myself with.  I gravitate toward it easily.  Food can't hurt me.  Food can't talk back.  Yay pie!

p.s.  Let's  not forget the best ending of this afternoon....M to tha D-E-A.  Halllelueria!

The First Thanksgiving (in nearly 4 years)

I'm a day early, but that's because I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.  Even if I have to drug myself into oblivion to do it, I will.

For those who have known me for many years, you should remember that Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday.  In 1998, I lost my very first pregnancy on Thanksgiving Day.  Over the years since, they've been up and down.  In 2000, it was bittersweet.  I had Olivia, but she had been diagnosed and we were reeling from that.  In 2007, it was the week before we signed the DNR.  In 2008, it was my first without her, I was freshly divorced and there wasn't a GDMF thing I was thankful for.

Last year, I was with Kelly's family and then my sister, my (then fake) sister-in-law and Kelly came to my house to decorate the Christmas tree.  We had a goofy, great time.  I miss Olivia every day of every year, but holidays are always worse. 

This year, it is more sweet than bitter.  I am married to the love of my romantic life.  I am exhausted today because I can't sleep without him and our schedules were mismatched last night.  I have married into a wonderful, amazing family.  With both of my parents deceased, I have acquired parents who love me and treat me as their own.  I have acquired a sister who has been a friend since before I could legally drive.  I have acquired a brother who isn't sure what to think about me except he's glad I like football.  I have acquired cousins and aunts that are fantastic.

The bitter continues to be in the form of motherhood, or lack thereof.  I miss Olivia as if the very muscle fibers of my heart were ripped and taken.  We would love to have a child of our own, but the universe and mother nature aren't sure that's in the great plan.

So, for the first time in many years, I am going to concentrate on the Happy of Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for my family, all of them, new and old.  I am especially thankful for my husband and his faith and belief in me.  I am thankful for my work at Brenner Children's Hospital.  It fulfills me and gives me purpose.  I am thankful for the superior, supportive co-workers and manager I have.  I am thankful for a wonderful family that lets me share their special daughter two days a week.  I am thankful that I have been able to maintain my faith in God no matter how shaky it gets at times.  And, for the bright spots of my days that get me through each one of them, I am thankful for my amazing, loyal, loving, fabulous friends.

May all of you find your Happy and for at least one day, see it above all the rest.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ta da!

I don't care about the nuances.  I don't care about the idiosyncrasies.  I don't care about the flat out disagreements.  I love being married to Kelly.  I love looking at the pictures of that magical day.  I love knowing I come home to him from my 12 jobs.  I love turning over in my sleepless nights and finding his strong shoulders to squeeze.  This, my friends, is the good life.

Cover Ups

You know how you can fight with your best friend or your sibling or even your significant other over the tiniest of things?  It could be a snide remark or WWIII and it all stems from a much deeper, bigger issue that no one will actually talk about. 

How do you get to that issue and have an open, meaningful conversation that actually ends with resolution of some sort?  I'm seeing this all around me lately.  I seem to handle situations like this differently depending on who the person is.  

I am a tad stubborn.  Without even realizing it, I want to stand my ground and dig my heels in.  I think all of us have that instinct.  We don't want to feel like a doormat to be walked on.  Our issues, the big ones or the small ones, are important to us.  I've heard for years "pick your battles".  That's easier applied to your toddler, I think, than your best friend who was 30 minutes late for girls' night, but you're actually ticked off about something that happened weeks ago.  You can all get ticked off at me for that incredibly long run-on sentence.

I'm learning a lot from a newer, incredibly close friend.  Jill is teaching me a lot about patience and loving someone through the hard times.  She's doing a great job loving me through some roughness.  I'm facing a harsh, personal reality that I can't escape in any part of my life or mind.  In turn, I'm harsh with everyone I love without even realizing it sometimes or, I just withdraw.  I am thankful for Jill who is pushing her way through.  I think I'd be surviving on Xanax alone without the Jagger moves.

p.s.  make no assumptions

'Sup Foo?

I am giddy.  It's been 16 days since the wedding and I am still on cloud nine.  I still become engrossed in pictures daily.  I still talk about it as often as my friends will let me.  Don't get me wrong, Kelly and I aren't perfect.  It's not all aprons, Betty Crocker, and fireworks every day.  After all, we came back from the honeymoon and into reality, which sucks.  BUT, I love him more than ever.  He called me at work Saturday night and I nearly popped a blood vessel smiling when my manager said "it's your husband".  THIS is how it's supposed to feel. 

There are always other mini crises in my life, sometimes growing into full-blown crises at the drop of a hat.  There are a couple of long-term problems we have nipping at our heels (and hearts).  There are some acute crises, i.e. the heat going out when we had a cold snap for three days; my back going out last night and I don't mean on a date.  Indeed, I am sitting here with an ice pack on it, loaded on some pain meds typing.  Seemingly, I am much more functional this way than on muscle relaxers as my texts last night are laughable.  EX:  I forgot.  I'm medixatedp...I took 100 onstead pf 50 mg...I dudn't finish my papetwork...I am hungry but Kelly woyld haveto bring me somethong and it.s bsd enougj he had to help me pee...I am hettimg rice krispies ams matsjmallowd...

I think the muscle relaxers will come on  board prior to entering the car.  They will take effect shortly after entering the house and I can collapse appropriately.

I did!

Whew!  Talk about a wild ride.  The whirlwind planning and last minute dash panned out and pulled together a beautiful, perfect wedding.  I know it was mine, but I heard that from several people.  The torrential, frigid rain of the day before cleared out to show off the magnificent view just hours before we began.

I am overcome at the thoughts of the special faces I saw in the small crowd.  People who struggled to make it there, but did.  People who took time away from critically ill family members, but did.  People who drove miles and miles, a couple or 6 hours, but they did.

It was exceptional.  For the first time in my life, I felt truly beautiful.  The people I love most in the world were there.  The ring I wear was given as a total surprise the night before and is more precious than one can imagine.  

There were also funny moments.  What else would someone expect from me??  Our fab minister quoted the "great theologian Steven Tyler"...complete awesomeness.  The wind was too brisk for the unity candle to light, so I just announced it was a symbolic unity candle.  There's a random guy scratching his ass in one of the snapshots.

We could not have asked for anything more perfect.  It's not the size of the wedding that matters.  It's the love and people who are in it.

And we WILL live happily ever after....even if there are ups, downs, and sad spots!