Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The First Thanksgiving (in nearly 4 years)

I'm a day early, but that's because I plan on sleeping in tomorrow.  Even if I have to drug myself into oblivion to do it, I will.

For those who have known me for many years, you should remember that Thanksgiving is not my favorite holiday.  In 1998, I lost my very first pregnancy on Thanksgiving Day.  Over the years since, they've been up and down.  In 2000, it was bittersweet.  I had Olivia, but she had been diagnosed and we were reeling from that.  In 2007, it was the week before we signed the DNR.  In 2008, it was my first without her, I was freshly divorced and there wasn't a GDMF thing I was thankful for.

Last year, I was with Kelly's family and then my sister, my (then fake) sister-in-law and Kelly came to my house to decorate the Christmas tree.  We had a goofy, great time.  I miss Olivia every day of every year, but holidays are always worse. 

This year, it is more sweet than bitter.  I am married to the love of my romantic life.  I am exhausted today because I can't sleep without him and our schedules were mismatched last night.  I have married into a wonderful, amazing family.  With both of my parents deceased, I have acquired parents who love me and treat me as their own.  I have acquired a sister who has been a friend since before I could legally drive.  I have acquired a brother who isn't sure what to think about me except he's glad I like football.  I have acquired cousins and aunts that are fantastic.

The bitter continues to be in the form of motherhood, or lack thereof.  I miss Olivia as if the very muscle fibers of my heart were ripped and taken.  We would love to have a child of our own, but the universe and mother nature aren't sure that's in the great plan.

So, for the first time in many years, I am going to concentrate on the Happy of Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for my family, all of them, new and old.  I am especially thankful for my husband and his faith and belief in me.  I am thankful for my work at Brenner Children's Hospital.  It fulfills me and gives me purpose.  I am thankful for the superior, supportive co-workers and manager I have.  I am thankful for a wonderful family that lets me share their special daughter two days a week.  I am thankful that I have been able to maintain my faith in God no matter how shaky it gets at times.  And, for the bright spots of my days that get me through each one of them, I am thankful for my amazing, loyal, loving, fabulous friends.

May all of you find your Happy and for at least one day, see it above all the rest.

Happy Thanksgiving!


  1. As the Rolling Stones sang...You can't always get what you want...

  2. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.


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