Merry Christmas to All

It's just two days before the magical day of Christmas.  I'm snuggled on my sofa in a super warm blanket while Sookie and Kelly snooze away.  Emory is awake and moving around to let me know he's ok.  It's a pretty fantastic morning.

Many of my blog posts have been about my status as a bereaved parent, like this post from last December.  I think other than my physiological being as a female, this is the most predominant part of who I am.  Maybe other bereaved moms feel the same.

This year, you have seen many posts about my impending motherhood.  This baby boy inside me has transformed not only my body, but also my heart and mind.  Although my heart still weeps with sadness at the absence of my Olivia, it also swells with joy in anticipation of her brother who is on his way.  Instead of focusing on the memories of the last four Christmases without her, I am more able to think of her first Christmas.  I vividly recall Santa coming to our home so that we could get those precious photos of her in a black velvet and gold satin dress without exposing her to all the icky illness around.  I can remember with a smile the first time she chose the color of lights on our tree and thus started the blue Christmases.  The tears in my eyes as I write this are joyful, not sad.

There will never be a Christmas for me that isn't tinged with sadness.  However, for the first time in a long, long time, there is more happiness than that and it wins.  I am happy this Christmas.  I have a loving husband who is going to be a wonderful father.  I have a job I love.  I have friends and family that keep me in line with love and humor.  AND, the best of all, it's only a few short weeks until I can hold my son in my arms.

I wish to each of you that your holidays, however you celebrate them, are filled with the people and things you love.  If you're like me and love it, I wish for a peaceful, snowy day, too!   Merry Christmas to all.  May your world be everything you want and need!

Good Bad Good

There's always good and bad in any situation.  Sometimes, it's easier to see one or the other.  I am not a pessimist by nature, but for some situations, I do see bad before good.  With relationships and family, it's where I immediately go.

I love my husband.  That should seem obvious.  I love this baby boy who's kung fu fighting in my abdomen right now.  For both of them, whenever there's a little glitch, I expect the worst.  I possibly even perseverate on the worst possibilities.  For example, my last ultrasound gave us a 4D image of Emory.  I stared at it and stared at it until I decided his eyes looked wide spaced.  Then, I researched syndromes with wide spaced eyes.  The doc we saw that day said "baby looks great".  He saw the same photos I did.  He actually knows what he's seeing, but I didn't trust it.  I'm past that now and am trusting that said doctor would have clearly indicated concern that he saw such things if he did.

I think when you've experienced a significant loss, or three or four or however many I'm up to now, it colors your perspectives.  I think it may even be easier to expect disappointment than to expect happiness.  The key is realizing that's what's happening and getting past it.

This is a work in progress for me.  I see good and bad.  I need to go over the hump and get back to the good.

I'm getting there.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I have feared writing anything so positive as I fear the jinx.

When I started  blogging years ago and then again last year, I wasn't always in a happy place.  As a matter of fact, I was in dark holes within myself many days.  The blog was a way for me to get some of that ugliness out without, hopefully, hurting myself or too many others in the process.

The past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions.  Then again, I think that may be true for the majority of people.  Maybe it isn't and I'm slightly more unstable.  Regardless, I have swung between ecstasy and despair often.

I am on the verge of ecstasy again.  This pregnancy has been physically hard and an emotional challenge for both Kelly and me.  I think we were both afraid for a long time that it would end as the last two with nothing but heartbreak and tears.  That fear impeded my joy for too long.

I'm just one week away from the third trimester.  I am not a fool and think we're in the clear now.  My job is half dictated by the percentages of babies who come too soon!  However, I feel like it's foolish to walk on eggshells and not enjoy every precious minute left of Emory's baking.

As miserable as my nights are now, feeling his gymnastics as I wake up or try to drift off brings me pure happiness.  It's not very long until I have to share him with others!  Don't get me wrong; I want to see the faces of my mother- and father-in-law as they hold him for the first time.  I can hardly wait to see Kelly's eyes and watch those big, strong arms envelope his tiny son.  But, I also think most women who've been pregnant can agree that there is something completely, selfishly wonderful about the pregnancy when they're just ours.

Yesterday, my girlfriends, a number of my Posse in fact, gave us a little shower for baby Emory.  It was soooooo fun!  I felt very loved and honored.  I had a fantastic Mom-To-Be tiara, even.  I am so thankful to have these women in my life.  They just add to the good parts and help soften the blows of the bad ones.

*Smiles and sighs*