My year has been filled with joys and sorrows, as most years are. I lost my job of 5+ years at Brenner Children's Hospital. I was part of a large layoff last spring. I enjoyed a couple of months being a SAHM to my wonderful boy, then jumped back in as a hospice social worker. I love the work I do. I miss the hospital. I do not miss the 10-hr shifts! I saw my rainbow baby boy walk and run and climb! I receive daily hugs and kisses. When he's sad or hurt or tired, he says, "Mommy hold you" or "Mommy's baby". I reply, "Yes, you are Mommy's baby". I hold him until he wants down or I have to pee. I'd hold him all day, every day if he'd let me and I didn't have to work. Or pee. Pesky bodily functions get in the way of my joy! BUT, I am thrilled that he does not want that. He is growing and developing astronomically fast! He speaks around a 3-yr-old level. His pediatrician is always showing him off to her colleagues. I feel so amazed by him daily and thankful to no end.
My nephew, Justin, died at age 25 on Friday.
You can read some of my older blog posts here to refresh
your memory of him. He had a spinal cord injury that resulted in paralysis. He’d
battled many issues related to that during the past 39 months. This time, he
said he was tired and done. It was sad because of his age. The true sadness
came years ago as he wandered onto a path of drugs, criminal behavior and then
mental illness found its way to him. I hope he is truly at peace now.
My husband went from a part-time worker and SAHD while I
worked to a small business owner! It’s been a huge change for our family. There
have certainly been speed bumps. He’s getting over them pretty impressively.
My heart still hurts for Olivia. The void that she left will
never be filled. I am thankful that time has helped the sharp pain become
duller. I am beyond grateful that I have a healthy, beautiful, rambunctious
little boy who requires so much of me that I don’t sit and dwell on the hurt.
It is kind of like a sunset amongst clouds now. The rays peek in and out, but
they aren’t the most visible now. I’m ok with that. Being happy doesn’t mean I
don’t love her. It means I’ve kept living. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.
As Emory’s independence grows, I hope to get back to
writing. I miss the outlet. I don’t think people are dying to know my thoughts.
Writing them and sharing them is for me.
I hope that someone who’s going through similar things may find
something useful in my words. Thank you for taking the time to read them.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, and all
that jazz!
