I Made It

Yesterday, I made it through my first day back at work after maternity leave.  It took some horrendous mental prep, a great group of work people, and my husband being Super Dad, but I survived with minimal tears.

Without meaning for it to be so, my blog has many times been all about my status as a bereaved mother.  If you're new to me, you can read a good example of that here.  It is truly a huge part of my soul.

As I gathered clothes after my shower yesterday morning, I sat down on the edge of my bed.  I cried and told my husband I didn't know how I would make it through the day.  What he didn't know was the thought stream that proceeded through my head.  "At least I get to see him at the end of the day."  "I get to come home and hold him."  "It's been over 5 years since I held Olivia." " I should be grateful."  This devolved into bleak territory when I started playing the what if game....What if something happened to Emory?  What if he gets sick?  What if he died?  

Normal people don't think this way.  People who have children and see them healthy and living don't think this way.  At least, I've never heard of anyone mentioning it.  I realized how dark it seemed and quickly pushed those thoughts back into the deep recesses of my brain.

I got to work and felt so loved and missed as several of my friends welcomed me back with big smiles and hugs.  I tried to figure out the ins and outs of pumping at work and scheduling that.  There weren't a lot of needy families for most of the day.  Luckily, Kelly kept sending me text and photo updates of his and Emory's day.  That got me through until he brought sweet boy for a dinner date.  

Before the night ended, a new admission reminded me of how incredibly blessed we are with this precious baby.  It also reminded me why my thoughts drift to those dark places.  I came home and couldn't get my boy in my arms fast enough.  

I'm home with him today enjoying each blissful minute.  Peace and love to all of you.  I made it.

I know that's a song...I'm hearing it faintly in my head.  Ah, yes, with Lil Wayne...