Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Thrill, Truly, of Morning Sickness

I thought it was a bug since it hit at 2pm yesterday.  I felt bad all day and stayed in bed, but the hurling came at 2.  I slept off and on, having crazy bizarre dreams until 8:30 this morning.  I woke up still feeling 'off'.  I just had my second round of hurling and I think I can safely say that morning sickness is in full swing.

I am thrilled about that.  I know that most of you are thinking, "What??"  For women who get pregnant easily, have healthy babies and no children to die, pregnancy is different.  I envy you.  I have tried to be positive ever since I got the positive on the blood test.  It's really hard!  I worry that I will lose this one, too.

I  had nausea and some dry heaving with Olivia and the last pregnancy.  I had some nausea and heaves earlier in this one for one day.  These early weeks when you don't feel a baby move or see the big belly, everything is questionable.  Were my breasts bigger just because of extra fluid?  Was I extra tired because I was working so much?  Then, when those symptoms disappear for a bit, the big worry comes.

I feel better this morning than I have in days.  I welcome a daily hurl if that's what it takes to let me know the little one is still growing strong before I feel him or her.  Those of you around me, maybe not.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Pregnancy

I have been quiet here for a while.  There is a lot going on in my little nook of the world.  I've hesitated being public about the biggest thing because I have unnatural fears of jinx.

After some of the most horrible losses on the Earth, I am cautiously, wildly excited to be pregnant again.  Some precious few knew this was in the works.  Some more chosen knew when it occurred.  Then, I spilled the beans by accident about a week ago.  I figure it's time to just put it out there.

If my body, science, God and the universe allow, then little baby Sanders will arrive late next Winter.  I realized tonight when my husband was laughing at the pregnant woman farts that it was time to be real.

Pregnant women fart.  It's not pretty and if they take fish oil like I do, it's not sweet either.  My body is changing so incredibly quick this time.  The girls have decided they need to be more noticeable.  I've also developed the unnatural ability to float an armada of Spanish galleons if necessary due to hideous amounts of excess fluid.  I am so damn tired that when I wake up, I'm wondering when I can nap.  I had forgot the depth of this exhaustion.  As a couple of people have *kindly* pointed out, I'm older this time so it's probably worse because of that.  Olivia's dad says, "well it's been 10 years".  No, dumb ass, it's been 13 since I was pregnant with YOUR daughter.

The fact that I openly called him a dumb ass brings me to the biggest Ugly of pregnancy:  the moodiness.  Some days, I'm so crabby I can't stand myself.  Sometimes, I don't recognize it until I've snapped at someone.  If you're one of them, I wholeheartedly and deeply apologize.

I've seen my little peanut once.  I'll see her again in 9 days.  For some reason, saying "him" sounds wrong.  Only time will tell if I'm crazy on that one.  So, keep your fingers crossed, prayers going, and wishes coming that this little tadpole stays just where it is for another 30-33 weeks and grows into a healthy, strong, smallish baby.  I'd rather not push out a 9 lb-er. 


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Dark musings

In my dreams, the ugliness returns.  My biggest fears come alive.  It's like the electrically charged storms of summer in the south in my head.  Some things I'm willing to discuss with others.  Some, I don't want to say aloud. 

I want to feel safe.  I want to feel loved and cherished.  I want to feel like my future is as secure as a future can be.  I don't think those things are asking too much. 

In my fear, I strike out.  I hurt those I love.  It isn't intentional.  It is a knee-jerk reaction.  Maybe there isn't enough love to fix some things.  What if hurt is the norm and happy is the strange? 

Sadness seeps into the crevices of my heart that remain from its crushed self being squished back together.  It joins doubt and anger to the point of pushing out the love and hope that had set up residence. 

I tell myself to just stop...stop the bad thoughts;  Turn my brain onto sunshine and flowers.  If that worked, no one would need therapy or rehab.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


Censorship is a tricky thing.  People claim it's for the greater good.  I claim it's complete and total horse shit.  Censorship is marketed as many things.  Recently, my employer, whom I can no longer name publicly, instituted a social media policy. 

The SMP on the surface is good.  There are too many of us who Tweet, update statuses, check out a comment on a blog, or any other number of things that can fall into the category, while at work.  I've been guilty of it.  However, there is an additional part to the policy. 

We are no longer allowed to name or affiliate ourselves publicly with the institution unless we have an official social media account.  Hmmmm....that seems like censorship to me.  Throw it in under the guise of accountability or productivity, but it isn't.  It's preventing me from networking with other professionals who use social media for that purpose.  For crying out loud, LinkdIn is a professional networking site. 

I am not striving to change anything.  I'm just wondering what the masses think about this.  I attended a session on social media at the conference I attended in May.  It didn't go this far.  What happens in your workplace?

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Priorities, anyone?

People talk about getting priorities straight all the time.  Who REALLY does it?

If you serve a God, then ideally your hierarchy of importants should go something like :
Family (as defined by you)
Work (must support family)

If you're a non-believer, then I'd think your hierarchy would go along the lines of :

If you're wondering how I devised this, it goes as such:

We should commit the bulk of our time and energy to the people or entities we claim to love the most.  We have to work to provide for ourselves and family.  For me, FRIENDS actually is line with FAMILY because so many of my friends are considered family.  I put the extras in because we all have different things we assign priority.  For me, reading and writing would be one of those.

I am not absolving myself of guilt.  Let's get that straight right up front.  I mix these up like everyone else at times.  However, if there's a week when work takes precedence, should we not at least be emotionally committed to our higher-ups?

I hate it when people lament about not having the time to spend where they should.  Then, there's the usual something like, "But I was there in my heart!  You know I would be there if I could."

I disagree.  We do what we want to do.  The only thing I think most people do because it is a must is work.  I would love to hang out reading by a pool or ocean every day.  I can't.  I have a mortgage, car payment, insurance, etc.  I'd like to think those closest to me know that they are always at the top of my priority list.  But I make good choices and bad choices all the time.  The truth in that is that I am making the choices.

 I think we aren't very good at making the right choices.  There are some people who are great at it.  My friend Julie comes to mind.  I have those in my mind who I think suck at it, but I'll be discrete.
As a woman who has lived a life filled with emotional turmoil and loss, I urge you to rethink your priorities and make better choices.  That person who loves you may not wait around to feel like number one forever.