A short Very Wise post

As April winds down, I am thrilled from a blogger's perspective.  I am ready to go back to writing when the notion strikes me and not on a schedule.  I think it's more the designated directions of the A-Z challenge than the timing.  I write every day in general.

I'm sitting in bed with my laptop as I am every Sunday night doing paperwork that is the bane of my existence.  I have this paperwork deadline of 10am every Monday morning.  When do I finish the paperwork?  Late Sunday or early, early Monday.  It is very draining and I don't get clock time to do it. 

A Very Wise person would complete it at the end of the last 'shift' with their client.  I hate it so much that I procrastinate in the worst possible way.  See?  Right this very minute I'm writing something else other than the notes.

I am not a Very Wise person.  I make horrible choices and mistakes and some of them aren't solo acts.  Another person whose choices weren't Very Wise...Amy Winehouse.  She should have gone to rehab for sure.

So, screw this fake post.  I'll leave you with Amy.  I'm back to the dastardly paperwork.

Talks with God and the Universe

I have an enormous amount of emotional baggage.  I'm working very hard to clear it out so that my future looks vastly different from my past.  I've talked about the specialized kind of therapy I'm involved in right now, EMDR.  It's hard to understand the concept, but the results are phenomenal.  Here's the link to my person's website if you want to learn a little bit. 

In my job alone, I am confronted with death regularly.  I am good, or so I'm told, with the families I serve experiencing this.  A nurse I work with thanked me yesterday out of the blue and told me heartwarming thoughts of appreciation.  Those are few and far between, but help make it possible to get through those emotional days. 

In my own life, I seem to know a lot of death, too.  It's not geriatric death, where an 86-year-old woman who's lived life to the fullest passes quietly in her sleep.  I see the deaths of children.  I have long thought, and said aloud that death is not the worst thing that could happen to anyone.  The children whose families I serve, as my Olivia did, suffer.  Sometimes, it's a short course from an accident.  Sometimes, it's years and years of a devastating illness.  Regardless of the whys, the loss is just as intense and painful.  No parent should ever outlive their child.

In my personal life, aside from the life-altering loss of my daughter, I also lost three other pregnancies.  I've come to terms with that over the past six months. 

What has happened the past couple of weeks is that I wonder daily, sometimes hourly, why.  I don't just wonder that about Olivia and my other losses.  I wonder why there is such sickness and hurt in the world.  It's not wars that take so many lives in my world. 

I believe prayer is like a conversation with God.  I pray often because I just talk to God.  I look to the night sky when I get home from work.  I talk to whatever is up there.  I'm such a small piece of all of that.  Surely there is someone or something that will hear me and offer some answers! 

I don't ask why Olivia had to die anymore.  My heart was crushed and pulverized that day of February 10, 2008.  But, for the first time in months, there was peace on her face.  I hold on to that. 

What I ask and wonder is: Why is there so much hurt and sadness and crap that descends upon blameless families?  When will the hurt lessen?  Does Olivia see that I never forget her?  Sometimes, I get my answers in the most unusual ways.

I opened my email today to videos from far away.  A like-minded mother friend in South Dakota sent me videos of her kids doing a balloon release to honor my Olivia.  My heart sang! 

I tell the families I work with or others who've gone through the loss of a child that their child will NOT be forgotten!  It's one of the biggest fears of a bereaved parent as far as I can tell.  My friend Stacy verified that for me. 

If you know a bereaved parent and I bet more of you do than don't, don't be afraid to say the child's name.  Don't be afraid to let them know your thoughts go to that joy of their life that is achingly missing.  Don't be afraid you'll make us cry.  We cry anyway.  It's good when there are tears that are more than just grief. 


My friend Kristen made this just after Olivia died.  I still treasure it. 

Video memorial to Olivia


I'll continue to talk to God.  I'll continue to look up to the sky to commune with the universe.  I need to feel connected to all of this that's so much greater than I am.  It's one of the few peaceful times I can count on.

P, Q, R, S - People Quickly Respond with Shit

I'm sucking at daily blogging, but for this blasted A-Z Challenge, I am damn sure going to hit all the letters.

I do not see good in all people.  I think we are all born good, but some people lose that along the way.  I'm pretty strong in my opinions about Nature vs.  Nurture.  I think biology is strong, but the right (or wrong) environment can change a person forever.

There's a quote by Dennis Leary about people not being born racists.  I think that's true about hate and intolerance in general.  I am being very vocal and visible in my campaign to get people to understand the gristle in Amendment One.  The religious right in NC is so afraid of people loving each other that they are willing to punish millions of families just to add another legal halt to same sex marriages.  I'm not pontificating about this again.  I am going to say that if you haven't already, click on the link to really read the facts.

What I am learning is that I know a lot of people who care more about what looks good or seems popular than what is right.  One example is happening because I am so vocal about my beliefs against this Amendment.  I am seeing my 'friends' numbers drop, literally, for example on Facebook.  Usually prior to their exit, they respond to one of my posts or by text, email or call with their poorly backed claims and insults.

If you have cause and time for legitimate debate, let's go!  If you're just looking to trade out for a newer, more conforming friend, you've definitely come to the wrong place.  As my work pal, Randy, said recently...I don't agree with most of what you say, but we still talk.  It's how real adults handle conflict.  We come to the table and exchange thoughts, feelings, insight.  If my opinion is different from yours, so be it.  At least hear me out if I'm supposed to hear you out instead of sneaking away and hiding like a coward.

So, I'm going to keep on keeping it real.  I'm not going to pretend for anyone about anything.  If you want to jump at me and throw shit like a monkey, do it.  Just expect to have some slung back your way.

Marriage, Names, and Opinions

Don't you like how I wrapped three letters into one post?

 I live in North Carolina. I think we're part of the Bible belt because you can't walk 50 yards without seeing a church and most everyone claims to be a Christian, although a good half or majority sure doesn't act like it. I was raised in an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church. Not sure what that means? Think being scared into religion. I once heard a speaker from the pulpit say that women were the downfall of the world. In all fairness, he wasn't the preacher, but he wasn't chastised or corrected either. I respect that people have the right to their opinions and beliefs, but I don't have to be subjected to the ones I vehemently oppose.

That brings me to this post, which is politically charged like the 4^th of July. Up for vote on May 8^th in my state, which I refuse to call fair at this moment, is Amendment One. Poorly informed individuals also call it the Marriage Amendment. The biggest thing I think people don't realize or acknowledge is that NC already has a law on the books banning gay marriage. Go to this link to read for yourself how Amendment One can harm ALL families in North Carolina.

 
Some majorly important points that will affect someone you know:

1. Amendment One would interfere with protections for unmarried couples to visit one another in the hospital and to make emergency medical and financial decisions if one partner is incapacitated. 
2. A child of an unmarried parent could lose their health care and prescription drug coverage, putting the child's health at risk. 
3.  Domestic violence protections could only apply to married couples.
4.  A single or widowed senior couple could be forced to marry to keep their legal protections, which would cause them to lose benefits such as pensions, health care, and social security.
   
    

I am not here to argue about morals or religion. Both of those are subjective. If you want truth about the institution of marriage, though, it would behoove you to research. Most people don't even know the history. Such as written by historians, sociologists, or people who just researched for their own self-knowledge, the actual history of marriage in America is this: 

The English Puritans in the 17th century even passed an Act of Parliament asserting "marriage to be no sacrament" and soon thereafter made marriage purely secular. It was no longer to be performed by a minister, but by a justice of the peace. The Restoration abolished this law and reverted to the old system, but the Puritans brought their concept of marriage to America where it survived.
 

Our country was founded on principles of freedom. "One Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for ALL". I don't think the penners of our pledge of allegiance really divided out races, adulterers, or homosexuals in that phrase. If so, we need to change the pledge to something along the lines of "a group of people with conservative Christian beliefs, under a Protestant God, with freedoms and rights for like-minded"

We all have opinions and a right to share them. I do not believe it is my right to push my beliefs and opinions on another. It is my right to be free of oppression from others as well.

I DO believe my heterosexual couple friends who live together without marriage deserve the same rights as my husband and I have to insurance and safety. I believe it is wrong to punish senior citizens who love each other, but need their retirement and Medicare benefits. I believe all children should have the same protections of their families regardless of the dynamics of those families. 

Don't go on my word. Read the actual proposal that you'll be voting on. Take time to LEARN for YOURSELF the truth. This vote is not about protecting the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is the name of an institution and is sanctified by those that make the commitment and uphold it.

 
**written by a 38-yr-old heterosexual married white woman with no living children**

Letters of All Kinds

I like to write.  I write for lots of reasons.  I write as an outlet.  I write because I can communicate better that way sometimes.  I write because I want to be heard. 

I write letters.  I write letters three or four times a week.  I have written letters to living and dead people.  Most of my letters are private.  I say what I need to say because it helps my process.  There are letters I've written that are public.  One, I wrote to Olivia after she died and it was read at her service.  I didn't read it.  I couldn't.  It still brings tears to my eyes to read the copy framed on my living room wall.  One, I wrote to Bereaved Parents and people who love them, published here.

 My friend Stephanie and I talk often about what a shitty club it is, the group of moms whose babies and children died.  There really isn't a name that fits.  There is a national group called Compassionate Friends and they have monthly or weekly meetings.  But, the real name of what and who we are...that is harsh.  For months and months after Olivia died, I didn't know how to introduce myself.  She was very well known in the community, so I always said "I'm Olivia's mom".  After, I would flounder and say "I'm, uh, my name is, Karen.  I'm, umm, my daughter was Olivia."  I couldn't even identify myself. 

The things people say to people like me range from insensitive to atrocious.  People wonder why I am not close with my family.  Example:  family member after Olivia's service, while the grave is being closed..."this was the best thing that could have happened".  Luckily, I was too crazed with grief to react as I normally would, which is punch him straight in the face.  Really?  the best thing to have happened to my only daughter was death?  I like to believe it was meant in the spirit of her suffering had ended.  I don't know and I'll never know because I distance myself. 

I also write letters for proof.  Phone conversations can be denied.  Sometimes, even words in color, in 3D, words that can be touched are denied.  We are all good at self-preservation.  I am Queen of it.  My heart has been hurt too many times.  I will hold that shit over you if need be, thus the written word.

I love receiving letters, too.  We have a white board on our fridge and my husband writes wonderful letters to me.  I usually snap photos of them before they can be erased.  I don't want to forget or for him to forget he felt that way on that particular day. 

I have a box of cards and letters from the days preceding Olivia's death.  My friend Chris brought it, I believe.  It was stationed by the front door and people who came by could write a note or drop something in there they'd made ahead of time.  I pull it out sometimes and weep at the words and thoughts conveyed. 

I know you are all busy.  Think of my blogs as letters to you.  I am writing because I want to express thoughts and feelings that might otherwise stay hidden.  If you have thoughts and a moment, write me back in the comments or by email.  I love to hear if something I penned, or typed, impacted you. 

Here is one of my love letters from the white board.  Maybe because he is a creative being is the reason I get them.  I just know I'm lucky I do.