Saturday, December 24, 2016

Happy Chanukah! Merry Christmas! Happy Yule!
Christmas 2016 will go down as probably the happiest in my life. It is also breaking my heart.
In all of Olivia's 8 years, I never had to fib, sneak, or hide to surprise her on Christmas morning. There ARE advantages to having an immobile child! Tonight, I did all of those things so that Emory's eyes would pop out of his head in a few hours. I also never saw her jumping up and down with excitement. I didn't hear her say, "Can I have this?!" twenty times a day when hearing about other kids' wishes or seeing a commercial. I never got to see her run to Santa and eagerly tell him what she wanted to find under the tree.
Santa has come to our house tonight. With the help of special people, Emory is going to have an amazing Christmas. I love seeing him in his wonder! My heart is so sad, even after all these years, that putting a tree on a grave is all I get to do for my daughter. I am trying to focus on Emory. By doing that, I think I've set off my mom guilt. In my head, I know it doesn't mean I forget her or love her less. Oy!
I hope you all have blessed holidays, whatever you're celebrating. Much love from our family to yours!