Thursday, February 28, 2013

Taking Breaths and Playing Games

I think this is probably the longest gap in posts since I started this blog.  It's not that I haven't had things I wanted to get out of my head.  It's more that they seemed like just singular thoughts here and there.  There wasn't enough to make a whole paragraph let alone three or four.

I'm very near the end of my pregnancy.  I'm breathing a little easier thanks to a few days off work before being induced on Monday.  That's just 4 days!  I'm having a baby in 4 days!  Well, if his highness would like to grace us with his arrival prior to that, it would certainly be most welcome.  The problem is that he seems to love his woom and figures he'll stay there until kindergarten.  He isn't overdue yet; he's just over big.

I am doing things around the house in short spurts.  I don't have enough energy to do a lot for an extended period of time.  So, with the down time, I'm obsessing with online games.  I'm not a big 'gamer'.  I love the little simple ones.  My current addiction is Candy Crush Saga on   I play it on mobile and Facebook.  It is like visual crack.  When I get started, I just can't seem to stop.

I'm also reading more.  I recently started the Anita Blake vampire hunter series.  They are short, easy reads. I'm on book 6 in less than 3 weeks.

I continue to watch VH1 every morning in hopes of seeing my favorite video.  There are actually a couple of really good songs on pop radio right now, in my opinion.  Many times, seeing the vids for the songs makes me hear them in a whole new way.  FUN. is a great example for that.  I really like their music and the videos add a whole other dimension.  My current absolute fave is Thrift Shop.  It is completely silly and makes me laugh.  In case you need a laugh to start your day, here ya go.  *The VH1 version is cleaned up.  This one is NOT.*

Monday, February 4, 2013

It's That Time of Year

Where were you 13 years ago?  I was in a similar circumstance.  I was 39 weeks pregnant and about 4 hours into labor with the baby who would be known as the world's most beautiful girl.  You may scoff at that.  If so, it's because you never saw her.

I never dreamed I'd be pregnant at this age when I was giving birth to Olivia.  I never dreamed what the next 8 years after that night would bring either.  I dreamed of everything every young pregnant woman does.  I dreamed of snuggles, kisses, diapers, preschool, kindergarten, bikes and dolls.  I never dreamed I was entering a world of hospitals, doctors, and death.

I remember that night vividly.  It isn't only the pain I remember.  I also remember the tears that exploded from my eyes when I saw her for the first time.  I remember the feeling that my heart, the literal center of my chest, would explode at the love I felt at that moment.  

I can't remember Olivia's birthday without remembering her angelversary.  They come only five days apart.  That seems such a cruel twist of fate.  I don't know if the pregnancy hormones make it worse this year or if it would be the same regardless.  I have been sad for several days.  I have had a shorter temper.  I have had horrific nightmares and sleepless nights.  Will it change after Sunday?  The grief never goes away, but its sharpness dulls over time.  At these special dates, the edge of grief's sword is dangerously sharp.

On the way home from work tonight, I heard one of our two songs.  I Knew I Loved You doesn't really play on radio stations anymore, but I'd like to think it was a gift to me.

The tears began to flow as soon as I heard the first notes.  I fear the next 24 hours or five days may be the same.  I'm a few hours early, but, I didn't want to count on waking up at 4:58 am to publish this.  Happy birthday in heaven, my angel.  There is nothing I wouldn't give to kiss your sweet face again.