Happy Chanukah! Merry Christmas! Happy Yule!

 

Christmas 2016 will go down as probably the happiest in my life. It is also breaking my heart.

 

 

 

In all of Olivia's 8 years, I never had to fib, sneak, or hide to surprise her on Christmas morning. There ARE advantages to having an immobile child! Tonight, I did all of those things so that Emory's eyes would pop out of his head in a few hours. I also never saw her jumping up and down with excitement. I didn't hear her say, "Can I have this?!" twenty times a day when hearing about other kids' wishes or seeing a commercial. I never got to see her run to Santa and eagerly tell him what she wanted to find under the tree.

 

Santa has come to our house tonight. With the help of special people, Emory is going to have an amazing Christmas. I love seeing him in his wonder! My heart is so sad, even after all these years, that putting a tree on a grave is all I get to do for my daughter. I am trying to focus on Emory. By doing that, I think I've set off my mom guilt. In my head, I know it doesn't mean I forget her or love her less. Oy!

 

I hope you all have blessed holidays, whatever you're celebrating. Much love from our family to yours!

 

 

Hello? Is Anyone Out There?

Geez, Louise (and everyone else not named Louise who is reading)....I used to write every day.  Now, the most I write is a text message or 12.  I'm either at work or with my sweet Emory.  Typing is not possible with him.  He loves the computer and tries very hard to help me.  Last night, he found apps on Windows 8 that I didn't even know existed.  Maybe if I let him help, he'll figure it out since I don't seem to be able.

Ah, my boy.  I am like an alcoholic with him.  I can never spend enough time with him.  When I wake up and see that beautiful face next to me, it's like a high.  When I'm away from him, I feel sad and incomplete and all I want is to hold him.  I'll take this addiction any day.

He's 1.  HE'S ONE!  How did that happen????  I feel like the past year has been the fastest of my life.  I am behind in almost every aspect of daily living.  My house is cluttered beyond belief.  My desk drawers are cluttered beyond belief.  I wear pony tails more often than not.  It's all ok.  It may not be for everyone, but it is for me.

Today, this happened:

Why is this a big deal?  Why does it make me giggle?  Why did I not scold him?  

Because he can do it.  He can crawl to the toilet, pull up, and toss in a toy.  I never had the chance to scold Olivia for putting things in the toilet.  I never had to pull her down off the side of a piece of furniture.  I never had to stop her from dumping out the dog's water bowl.  Emory hasn't done anything dangerous yet.  He hasn't done anything that could be a bad habit.  He's simply exploring his world.  I applaud it!  I applaud him!  

People who have never had a child with special needs do not understand this.  I get chided for not telling him "no".  I have a beautiful, healthy, curious TODDLER.  I will let him toddle and flush the toilet as many times as he likes until I can't pay the water bill.  (That happened, too, this morning).  He also rolled off the toilet paper.  Oh, well....

I'll leave you with a couple of pictures of this beautiful boy.  

Could you tell him 'no'?  I thought not.  

Thanksgiving 2013

It's been three months since I posted anything!  In blogger time, that seems like an eternity.  In my real life, it seems like three days.

I could not allow Thanksgiving to pass without public acknowledgment of the things for which I give thanks.  This year, especially, I am thankful.  Gone are the Thanksgivings of dread. 

This sweet, happy boy has renewed and restored my soul.  No, I have not forgotten Olivia.  Yes, I still miss her every single day.  Now, that is not all I feel.  I am thrilled to feel happy again!  I love mothering.  I love everything about it.  I'm sleep deprived.  I need a mani/pedi.  My house isn't company clean.  I'm poor.  Not a single one of those things matters.  Every day, I thank God for the gift of motherhood and for another day spent with Emory. 

I am more thankful for my husband as well.  Seeing him as a father is like cleaning a dirty pair of eyeglasses.  I see him differently.  I see parts of him that I haven't seen before. 

As we go into this holiday season, I hope each of you finds things that make you happy and thankful.  I hope that you find peace, happiness and pie!

The Disappearing Parent

I can be very judgmental.  Ask my husband.  He'll agree.  The thing I think I'm most judgey about is parenting.  No, I do not think I know everything or that I am superior.  There are simply some things I've come across over the past five years that can't seem to escape that black-robed mouth in my head and her finger wagging.

When we have a child, we take on a huge responsibility.  It isn't just about feeding, clothing, and safety.  We take on the responsibility to love and nurture that has no expiration date.  We bring this child into our family by choice.  A pregnancy isn't planned?  Tough.  You have the baby, you've made a choice.   If you aren't sure you can handle the responsibility, there's adoption.

I no longer have the option to hold and care for my daughter.  For a good while after she died, my arms physically (perhaps that came from mental roots) ached for her.  No, in her short eight years she did not commit crimes or injustices in this world.  She never disappointed me either.  Yes, I was angry with her from time to time.  There was this one instance when she learned to bite.  She pretended to try to kiss me on the cheek but bit me instead.  She smiled, hugely proud of herself.  After my anger diffused, I admit I was even proud of her since she was two and biting is kind of typical for a two-year-old.  She didn't have a long list of developmental milestones she met on time, ya know?  I digress.

I know of so many parents who have adult children whom they choose to dismiss from their lives.  I call them disappearing parents.  They all have their reasons.  I think there is very, very little a person could do that would truly justify a parent's absence from the life they purposefully brought into their world.  You know what?  Adults make decisions other adults don't like.  I feel absolutely certain that this precious, innocent baby boy who has me wrapped around his tiny finger will do something at some point that I will not like.  I may even hate it or be embarrassed by it.  I will never cut him out of my life.  You may say, "Oh, you just wait...".  No.  You wait.  You wait until a child you love with every fiber of your being is yanked from your arms forever.  You wait until you cry yourself to sleep at night because you miss your child and there is nothing in this life that seems worthwhile because that hurt is so deep.  Your adult child has done something you disapprove of?  Ask any one of us who has lived this grief if it is bad enough to cut them out of your life.  I wager none of us would say 'yes'.  

If you have children who are alive, they deserve you.  You don't have to like what they do with their lives.  I'll wager they don't approve of you wholly either.  You know what?  It doesn't matter.  Be thankful you have them and do whatever it takes to keep in contact.  One day, the choice won't be yours anymore.  

You Wouldn't Like Me Angry

where did the bunny come from?

Like the Hulk, don't make me angry....

Let's be brutally honest; even if not publicly, then with ourselves.  How many of us mothers would always, capital A, put our children first?  Casey Anthony's mother did in the end.

I don't even mean to go that far.  I think she committed a crime in itself, but I'm making a point.

My point is that for 12 years, pregnancy and death included, Olivia has been number one in my life.  I was brought to tears this morning when another ferocious Mama Bear endured the heat to Princessify her grave once again.  MP, you are tha bomb.  I was brought to tears again this afternoon when I was berated for announcing and showing the condition of Olivia's grave by another mother. 

As any bereaved parent, mothers specifically, will tell you:  There is not the tiniest way in which anyone can begin to comprehend this walk unless they are walking it.  We hope you never comprehend it.  I believe it takes mothering to a whole new level.  It's as if we guard our mother status like the Pentagon, particularly those of us who lost our only children.  Guarding Olivia's grave is all I can do for her now.   You mess with that, you're messing with dangerous territory.

I will not back down.  I will not apologize.  I did  nothing wrong.  My daughter's life, death, and memory are far more important to me than anyone or anything else.   I'll accept my judgement from God himself and no mortal, thank you very much.