Happy Chanukah! Merry Christmas! Happy Yule!

 

Christmas 2016 will go down as probably the happiest in my life. It is also breaking my heart.

 

 

 

In all of Olivia's 8 years, I never had to fib, sneak, or hide to surprise her on Christmas morning. There ARE advantages to having an immobile child! Tonight, I did all of those things so that Emory's eyes would pop out of his head in a few hours. I also never saw her jumping up and down with excitement. I didn't hear her say, "Can I have this?!" twenty times a day when hearing about other kids' wishes or seeing a commercial. I never got to see her run to Santa and eagerly tell him what she wanted to find under the tree.

 

Santa has come to our house tonight. With the help of special people, Emory is going to have an amazing Christmas. I love seeing him in his wonder! My heart is so sad, even after all these years, that putting a tree on a grave is all I get to do for my daughter. I am trying to focus on Emory. By doing that, I think I've set off my mom guilt. In my head, I know it doesn't mean I forget her or love her less. Oy!

 

I hope you all have blessed holidays, whatever you're celebrating. Much love from our family to yours!

 

 

Merry Christmas to All

It's just two days before the magical day of Christmas.  I'm snuggled on my sofa in a super warm blanket while Sookie and Kelly snooze away.  Emory is awake and moving around to let me know he's ok.  It's a pretty fantastic morning.

Many of my blog posts have been about my status as a bereaved parent, like this post from last December.  I think other than my physiological being as a female, this is the most predominant part of who I am.  Maybe other bereaved moms feel the same.

This year, you have seen many posts about my impending motherhood.  This baby boy inside me has transformed not only my body, but also my heart and mind.  Although my heart still weeps with sadness at the absence of my Olivia, it also swells with joy in anticipation of her brother who is on his way.  Instead of focusing on the memories of the last four Christmases without her, I am more able to think of her first Christmas.  I vividly recall Santa coming to our home so that we could get those precious photos of her in a black velvet and gold satin dress without exposing her to all the icky illness around.  I can remember with a smile the first time she chose the color of lights on our tree and thus started the blue Christmases.  The tears in my eyes as I write this are joyful, not sad.

There will never be a Christmas for me that isn't tinged with sadness.  However, for the first time in a long, long time, there is more happiness than that and it wins.  I am happy this Christmas.  I have a loving husband who is going to be a wonderful father.  I have a job I love.  I have friends and family that keep me in line with love and humor.  AND, the best of all, it's only a few short weeks until I can hold my son in my arms.

I wish to each of you that your holidays, however you celebrate them, are filled with the people and things you love.  If you're like me and love it, I wish for a peaceful, snowy day, too!   Merry Christmas to all.  May your world be everything you want and need!

Christmas Trees and Cats

I have had an indoor cat or two for most of my adult life.  I am a cat person.  I like dogs fine in small doses outside.  I have had wonderful cats and heinous cats.  I had the best cat in the world go guano crazy after my daughter died.  Now, I have Sookie.   

She's a beauty, isn't she?  She looks so innocent.  I've talked about her before here.  She's been mostly great.  She was a rescue who came to live with us just after the first of this year...after Christmas.  She's been de-clawed in front.  I really didn't foresee problems with Christmas decorations.  I was wrong or stupid.  Hey, it could be both.

It took me a long time to get the damn tree decorated yesterday, starting with putting lights on backwards.  I had to take them off and restring.  My seemingly ginormous belly gets in the way a lot.  Anyway, I finished it up around midnight last night, thanks to the hubs, and I was so pleased with myself.  I didn't leave the bottom empty of ornaments.  It didn't occur to me to do that.

Then, I came home from working 10 hours today.  My first indication something was wrong came from a shiny glint in the tree-lit carpet.  I turned on the overhead light.  A beautiful red ball lay crushed on the opposite wall from the tree.  I cleaned it up and went to admire the tree as well as try to get a decent photo.  Then, I noticed two other balls out of place.  Not just nudged on a branch were they.  One was on the tree skirt and the other was off to the side.  

How did she get them off?  She has NO claws!  Well, technically she does, but not in front.  My sweet little Sookie is now a demon cat.  My first indoor cat was too lazy to do anything but drink the tree water.  Then there was Whiskey.  He had to be outdoors after two weeks of absolutely refusing to use the litter box.  Next were Albert and Snookums.  They were the best cats in the whole world...until Olivia died.  Then, they nearly grieved themselves to death.  BUT, they never attacked a Christmas tree.  If Sookie continues to terrorize the Christmas tree, she'll surpass Whiskey the impossible-to-train-to-use-the-litter box cat as the cat who's angered me the most.  Banjo might even move up on the favorite pet list...

I am absolutely terrible at photographing  a lit tree.

Thank God That's Over

Christmas present is thankfully Christmas past now.  There were definitely good moments, don't get me wrong.  I love being a Sanders.  Kelly's family has welcomed me with arms wider and warmer than I could have ever asked.  We started a new tradition with my cousin Shannon and my sister (husbands as well) today.

Christmas Day continues to hold a chunk of pain.  It isn't a joke when I say I need a tropical island escape.  Beaches are always where my mind goes when I think of peace.  Right after Olivia died, a friend and I took a trip to the Keys.  I thought of that multiple times yesterday.  I would love to have had my toes in that beautiful sand where thoughts could drift along soft breezes to the sound of  lightly crashing waves.

 That first shot was from the beach the day after a storm.  Appropriate, huh?  The bottom is from the back door of the house where we stayed.  So serene...That's how I want to feel when I actually feel so messy and turbulent on the inside.

As we move into the most turbulent time of year for me,  we'll see how many days of serenity happen.  I will not expect the worst.  I just accept that it is always possible.  I don't kid myself.  That is setting myself up for the worst to happen and then some.

Now, I need someone to take away all of the effing Christmas candy that is so damn tasty.  It is not a food group; it is not an acceptable diet plan; it is not a method of controlling my asthma!

It's Christmas Eve!

Fire, hot chocolate, pjs, Christmas lights, and Ralphie...my long Christmas weekend has begun.

This is the light ball that was given to me by Posse member M.E.  Olivia loved them.  I want 8.

Snapshot of my tree because I can't figure out how to get a good photo of the damn thing.  It has blue lights and is quite pretty.  See the photo ornament of Olivia?  See the red drum above it?  My two loves prominently honored.

May this Christmas be better than all others before and less wonderful than those to come for ALL of us.

p.s.  A shout out to my international friends, Russia and Germany particularly.  S Roždestvóm and Frohe Weihnachten!  Forgive me if I've found incorrect spellings.