Widowed at 41

On Tuesday, May 19th, I came home from work and found my 37-yr-old husband dead.

Let that sink in. Really, let it sink in.

The initial shock and trauma have passed. The memorial service was beautiful and arranged to a T as Kelly had requested. His parents have now become part of the group of bereaved parents that I never wanted to be in. I am a widow at 41. My child is fatherless at 2.

In the past 8 days, I have seen sides of people that are surprising, shocking even, to me. My friends have been amazing, as they always are. Three core members of my posse dropped everything and came to my side the night I found him. They stayed with me for hours as my house was combed by police and my husband taken from here for the last time.

There are others. Others who believe they knew him better than anyone else. Others, who, believe that they have "rights" to him. I have spoken to people individually. I have tried to be reasonable. It hasn't been successful. This is why I write today.

We have been married a little over three years. We have been together for five. We have lived together for four years. So, during the past five years, I saw him almost every day. It was I who held Kelly when he was scared, crying, or sick. Were you there when we lost two pregnancies? Were you there when I threw up for hours on end, day after day, for 22 weeks of my pregnancy with Emory? No, but he was.

Were you here when we bickered? Were you here when the ugly sides of both of us came out? No. You may have heard from one or both of us, but you didn't see what really happened. My friend, Julie, saw more than most. She had the unfortunate knack of being here on a couple of days when ugliness was spewing. I believe she would answer questions if you really want to argue what you think you know.

There are people who have started social media pages and events using my husband's name without my knowledge. When I asked for that to be stopped, not only was my request not honored, I was criticized and disrespected.

My heart is broken. It breaks over and over. I come in my door and see the place where I last saw Kelly and it wasn't pretty. My beautiful, wise child asks in different ways every day for his daddy. I am the sole party able to handle the legal aspects of his death. I am out of work, so there are financial concerns.

My funny, sweet, imperfect husband has been dead for 8 days. People, you need to back off. Things I may be happy to see occur in the future are not appropriate now. I cannot believe that I am being pushed about festivals! For the love of God and the memory of the man you say you love, please stop. Please let me grieve and try to get my life in some kind of new order. I should be doing nothing except necessities and taking care of Emory.

Thank you to all of the family, friends, coworkers, and strangers who have shown me love and compassion. You are greatly appreciated and cherished.

Marriage, Names, and Opinions

Don't you like how I wrapped three letters into one post?

 I live in North Carolina. I think we're part of the Bible belt because you can't walk 50 yards without seeing a church and most everyone claims to be a Christian, although a good half or majority sure doesn't act like it. I was raised in an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Church. Not sure what that means? Think being scared into religion. I once heard a speaker from the pulpit say that women were the downfall of the world. In all fairness, he wasn't the preacher, but he wasn't chastised or corrected either. I respect that people have the right to their opinions and beliefs, but I don't have to be subjected to the ones I vehemently oppose.

That brings me to this post, which is politically charged like the 4^th of July. Up for vote on May 8^th in my state, which I refuse to call fair at this moment, is Amendment One. Poorly informed individuals also call it the Marriage Amendment. The biggest thing I think people don't realize or acknowledge is that NC already has a law on the books banning gay marriage. Go to this link to read for yourself how Amendment One can harm ALL families in North Carolina.

 
Some majorly important points that will affect someone you know:

1. Amendment One would interfere with protections for unmarried couples to visit one another in the hospital and to make emergency medical and financial decisions if one partner is incapacitated. 
2. A child of an unmarried parent could lose their health care and prescription drug coverage, putting the child's health at risk. 
3.  Domestic violence protections could only apply to married couples.
4.  A single or widowed senior couple could be forced to marry to keep their legal protections, which would cause them to lose benefits such as pensions, health care, and social security.
   
    

I am not here to argue about morals or religion. Both of those are subjective. If you want truth about the institution of marriage, though, it would behoove you to research. Most people don't even know the history. Such as written by historians, sociologists, or people who just researched for their own self-knowledge, the actual history of marriage in America is this: 

The English Puritans in the 17th century even passed an Act of Parliament asserting "marriage to be no sacrament" and soon thereafter made marriage purely secular. It was no longer to be performed by a minister, but by a justice of the peace. The Restoration abolished this law and reverted to the old system, but the Puritans brought their concept of marriage to America where it survived.
 

Our country was founded on principles of freedom. "One Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for ALL". I don't think the penners of our pledge of allegiance really divided out races, adulterers, or homosexuals in that phrase. If so, we need to change the pledge to something along the lines of "a group of people with conservative Christian beliefs, under a Protestant God, with freedoms and rights for like-minded"

We all have opinions and a right to share them. I do not believe it is my right to push my beliefs and opinions on another. It is my right to be free of oppression from others as well.

I DO believe my heterosexual couple friends who live together without marriage deserve the same rights as my husband and I have to insurance and safety. I believe it is wrong to punish senior citizens who love each other, but need their retirement and Medicare benefits. I believe all children should have the same protections of their families regardless of the dynamics of those families. 

Don't go on my word. Read the actual proposal that you'll be voting on. Take time to LEARN for YOURSELF the truth. This vote is not about protecting the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is the name of an institution and is sanctified by those that make the commitment and uphold it.

 
**written by a 38-yr-old heterosexual married white woman with no living children**

Ta da!

I don't care about the nuances.  I don't care about the idiosyncrasies.  I don't care about the flat out disagreements.  I love being married to Kelly.  I love looking at the pictures of that magical day.  I love knowing I come home to him from my 12 jobs.  I love turning over in my sleepless nights and finding his strong shoulders to squeeze.  This, my friends, is the good life.

'Sup Foo?

I am giddy.  It's been 16 days since the wedding and I am still on cloud nine.  I still become engrossed in pictures daily.  I still talk about it as often as my friends will let me.  Don't get me wrong, Kelly and I aren't perfect.  It's not all aprons, Betty Crocker, and fireworks every day.  After all, we came back from the honeymoon and into reality, which sucks.  BUT, I love him more than ever.  He called me at work Saturday night and I nearly popped a blood vessel smiling when my manager said "it's your husband".  THIS is how it's supposed to feel. 

There are always other mini crises in my life, sometimes growing into full-blown crises at the drop of a hat.  There are a couple of long-term problems we have nipping at our heels (and hearts).  There are some acute crises, i.e. the heat going out when we had a cold snap for three days; my back going out last night and I don't mean on a date.  Indeed, I am sitting here with an ice pack on it, loaded on some pain meds typing.  Seemingly, I am much more functional this way than on muscle relaxers as my texts last night are laughable.  EX:  I forgot.  I'm medixatedp...I took 100 onstead pf 50 mg...I dudn't finish my papetwork...I am hungry but Kelly woyld haveto bring me somethong and it.s bsd enougj he had to help me pee...I am hettimg rice krispies ams matsjmallowd...

I think the muscle relaxers will come on  board prior to entering the car.  They will take effect shortly after entering the house and I can collapse appropriately.

Words of a different kind

It's 15 minutes from being 9 days until the wedding.  You'd think I'm counting down or something.  Yes, I'm divorced.  Yes, I've had a wedding.  No, it has not ever been anything like this.

I swore to myself and everyone around me, including Kelly, that I would never get married again.  It was the seventh level of Hell as far as I was concerned.  I think my feelings on the subject interfered with our relationship for a while.  In hindsight, I can see that it kept me from letting myself feel fully what was there.  I think it probably made him wonder if there was any use in pursuing a relationship at times.  If I was so adamantly opposed to marriage, was I also opposed to all commitment?

This whole process has been overwhelming, anxiety-ridden, stress-provoking, and enlightening.  Each of us involved has had at least one moment of OMGWTF?!   Kelly and I both have been amazed at how our friends have stepped up in ways we never expected.  We have needed them to step up with our crazy idea to plan this thing in five weeks.  It's going to come together regardless.

I had a fabulous bachelorette party Saturday.  It was small and that is the best kind.  We could hear each other, mostly, not get lost at the bar, mostly and taste test each others' martinis, mostly.   One of my best friends, Steph, has done an outstanding job making sure not only that things are together for this shindig, but also that I am treated like a princess.  You are the epitome of awesomeness!

Now, I have to figure out vows.  I have not ever written them before and since I tend to write in the vein of smartassedness, I'm a little worried .  Standard definitely does not fit us.  We are unique beyond measure.  Besides that, this is a different kind of do-over.  I can't explain it.  All I know is that it IS.   After all, I love him more than cake.