It's been three months since I posted anything! In blogger time, that seems like an eternity. In my real life, it seems like three days.
I could not allow Thanksgiving to pass without public acknowledgment of the things for which I give thanks. This year, especially, I am thankful. Gone are the Thanksgivings of dread.
This sweet, happy boy has renewed and restored my soul. No, I have not forgotten Olivia. Yes, I still miss her every single day. Now, that is not all I feel. I am thrilled to feel happy again! I love mothering. I love everything about it. I'm sleep deprived. I need a mani/pedi. My house isn't company clean. I'm poor. Not a single one of those things matters. Every day, I thank God for the gift of motherhood and for another day spent with Emory.
I am more thankful for my husband as well. Seeing him as a father is like cleaning a dirty pair of eyeglasses. I see him differently. I see parts of him that I haven't seen before.
As we go into this holiday season, I hope each of you finds things that make you happy and thankful. I hope that you find peace, happiness and pie!
That's where my thoughts start, stop, get derailed, and eventually crash. It's been two months plus some days since I posted last. I think about it, usually around midnight as I'm trying to drift off to sleep. At that point, there's usually a wee one attached to me and typing isn't a possibility. This happens night after night and I think, "I haven't _____ in a long time." The blank might be: written, read, clipped my nails or any other number of things I don't have much time to do. More often than not, I just don't have two free hands. I know people who only have one hand must be able to do things, but being used to having two, I can't figure it out.
I sat down to write this earlier. I had starts and stops and finally, just ate a handful of Cheerios and went with it. There are probably multiple Cheerios on the floor now…
There have been a lot of things in the news this summer that I have thoughts on. Summer itself is a head scratcher. Exactly when, in North Carolina, have there been consecutive nights in August where air conditioning isn't needed because it's so cool outside? I don't remember a time. When I was a kid, we didn't have a/c until I was in about 7th grade, though. We used to roll those windows open and let the hot dust fly in. Yes, North Carolina in the heat of summer on a dirt road…I don't miss those days at all. I digress.
The things I've paid most attention to are the egregious actions of my home state's governor and legislature. Education has been slashed like Edward Scissorhands' most recent shrub. Wet-behind-the-ears youngsters who supported our guvna have received pay raises over $25k, though. Voting rights have been targeted. Women's rights have been targeted. It's as if I'm living in the state in the decades before I was even born. I read a quote the other day; I don't remember the source, which sums up the war on women's rights. "Roe v Wade was not the beginning of abortions. It was the end to women dying from abortions." I think it's atrocious that our officials want to put us back at least 40 years.
I used to love residing in NC. I liked being southern. I don't anymore. I'm embarrassed. I'm concerned for the children of this state who aren't wealthy enough for private education, including my own. I'm concerned for women who find themselves in the horrific situation of an unwanted pregnancy. By the way, adoption is not an alternative to pregnancy. It's an alternative to parenting. I struggled to have a living, healthy child. I still don't think anyone should have the right to tell me what to do with my uterus. Nevertheless, I am stuck here for the foreseeable future thanks to the economy. I can't just pick up and move to a more progressive, education-appreciating state.
For now, I'll watch the news with hopes of Moral Mondays growing and showing these officials that they do NOT speak for all of us, or even the majority of us. Polls are showing that. I will love, nurture and raise this beautiful baby boy by whom my husband and I have been so richly blessed. I will continue to work. I will continue to chip away at Mt. Clothesmore on my days off and I will continue to have my random thoughts aboard the midnight train to dreamland.
As Steve Miller crooned, time is slipping by at alarming rate. I find my days almost melting together. Particularly my days off work when I'm home with Emory seem to be time lapsed. It can seem like it's been only an hour since we got out of bed, but it's been twelve.
I don't write anymore. I haven't posted here in more than a month. It isn't that the desire isn't there. My hands are almost always occupied with my boy if I'm not at work. It's hard to type with a wiggly 12 lbs. in the lap!
There is always at least one blurry limb.
I am so blessed with this baby boy. He's as perfect as a baby can be. I don't mean physical beauty, but he definitely is beautiful. He's happy, snuggly, and loving. He's a great eater. He sleeps pretty well. He amazes me every day with the new things he learns. I can sit and watch him for hours just so I can catch a glimpse of the awe in his eyes when he discovers something new.
I don't recall it feeling like this with Olivia. I think that's probably because we spent so much of her early life in doctor's offices and hospitals. I was so stressed out and exhausted with her that the moments of sheer joy were fleeting. I am learning to deal with my guilty feelings about comparing the two existences. I am trying to just embrace and love every moment with him and be thankful that I had the time with her that I did. I can't change the past. I can't make her be here. Que sera sera...
The clock is ticking quickly toward morning when I have to work again. Sweet dreams, friends.
Yesterday, I made it through my first day back at work after maternity leave. It took some horrendous mental prep, a great group of work people, and my husband being Super Dad, but I survived with minimal tears.
Without meaning for it to be so, my blog has many times been all about my status as a bereaved mother. If you're new to me, you can read a good example of that here. It is truly a huge part of my soul.
As I gathered clothes after my shower yesterday morning, I sat down on the edge of my bed. I cried and told my husband I didn't know how I would make it through the day. What he didn't know was the thought stream that proceeded through my head. "At least I get to see him at the end of the day." "I get to come home and hold him." "It's been over 5 years since I held Olivia." " I should be grateful." This devolved into bleak territory when I started playing the what if game....What if something happened to Emory? What if he gets sick? What if he died?
Normal people don't think this way. People who have children and see them healthy and living don't think this way. At least, I've never heard of anyone mentioning it. I realized how dark it seemed and quickly pushed those thoughts back into the deep recesses of my brain.
I got to work and felt so loved and missed as several of my friends welcomed me back with big smiles and hugs. I tried to figure out the ins and outs of pumping at work and scheduling that. There weren't a lot of needy families for most of the day. Luckily, Kelly kept sending me text and photo updates of his and Emory's day. That got me through until he brought sweet boy for a dinner date.
Before the night ended, a new admission reminded me of how incredibly blessed we are with this precious baby. It also reminded me why my thoughts drift to those dark places. I came home and couldn't get my boy in my arms fast enough.
I'm home with him today enjoying each blissful minute. Peace and love to all of you. I made it.
I know that's a song...I'm hearing it faintly in my head. Ah, yes, with Lil Wayne...
I am a procrastinator. I believe I could do it professionally if there were such a thing.
Over the past eight weeks, I have procrastinated to extremes that even impress me. Tomorrow, I return to work after doing very little other than loving my baby for two months.
There are all of these things I had planned to do while on leave. I wanted to organize closets, finish decorating the nursery, deep clean my house and car, etc. I think you get the picture. It isn't necessarily that Emory wouldn't let me do things because he's so needy. It's much more that all I wanted to do was hold and kiss him. I kept thinking I had plenty of time to do the other things. Alas, the time is up and I did mostly none of them. He'd be in my arms right now if he hadn't fallen asleep in his swing.
I have already shed tears today just thinking about tomorrow. I am afraid I will be utterly useless to the families I'm there to support. Emory and I talked about my going back to work. I told him his daddy loves him very much and they are going to have a great time together. I told him I will miss him. I told him it will be ok. I think I need to hear that much more than he does.
I am trying to put a smile on my face and fake it. I'm trying to think that I'm simply blessed to be able to go to work because he's healthy enough that I can. Can I keep that thought in my head for a 10-hr shift tomorrow? I wouldn't make any bets on it if I were you.
Who'd want to be away from him???
Now, I'll go back to thinking of nothing but him until 9 am tomorrow.
