Taking Breaths and Playing Games

I think this is probably the longest gap in posts since I started this blog.  It's not that I haven't had things I wanted to get out of my head.  It's more that they seemed like just singular thoughts here and there.  There wasn't enough to make a whole paragraph let alone three or four.

I'm very near the end of my pregnancy.  I'm breathing a little easier thanks to a few days off work before being induced on Monday.  That's just 4 days!  I'm having a baby in 4 days!  Well, if his highness would like to grace us with his arrival prior to that, it would certainly be most welcome.  The problem is that he seems to love his woom and figures he'll stay there until kindergarten.  He isn't overdue yet; he's just over big.

I am doing things around the house in short spurts.  I don't have enough energy to do a lot for an extended period of time.  So, with the down time, I'm obsessing with online games.  I'm not a big 'gamer'.  I love the little simple ones.  My current addiction is Candy Crush Saga on King.com.   I play it on mobile and Facebook.  It is like visual crack.  When I get started, I just can't seem to stop.

I'm also reading more.  I recently started the Anita Blake vampire hunter series.  They are short, easy reads. I'm on book 6 in less than 3 weeks.

I continue to watch VH1 every morning in hopes of seeing my favorite video.  There are actually a couple of really good songs on pop radio right now, in my opinion.  Many times, seeing the vids for the songs makes me hear them in a whole new way.  FUN. is a great example for that.  I really like their music and the videos add a whole other dimension.  My current absolute fave is Thrift Shop.  It is completely silly and makes me laugh.  In case you need a laugh to start your day, here ya go.  *The VH1 version is cleaned up.  This one is NOT.*

It's That Time of Year

Where were you 13 years ago?  I was in a similar circumstance.  I was 39 weeks pregnant and about 4 hours into labor with the baby who would be known as the world's most beautiful girl.  You may scoff at that.  If so, it's because you never saw her.

I never dreamed I'd be pregnant at this age when I was giving birth to Olivia.  I never dreamed what the next 8 years after that night would bring either.  I dreamed of everything every young pregnant woman does.  I dreamed of snuggles, kisses, diapers, preschool, kindergarten, bikes and dolls.  I never dreamed I was entering a world of hospitals, doctors, and death.

I remember that night vividly.  It isn't only the pain I remember.  I also remember the tears that exploded from my eyes when I saw her for the first time.  I remember the feeling that my heart, the literal center of my chest, would explode at the love I felt at that moment.  

I can't remember Olivia's birthday without remembering her angelversary.  They come only five days apart.  That seems such a cruel twist of fate.  I don't know if the pregnancy hormones make it worse this year or if it would be the same regardless.  I have been sad for several days.  I have had a shorter temper.  I have had horrific nightmares and sleepless nights.  Will it change after Sunday?  The grief never goes away, but its sharpness dulls over time.  At these special dates, the edge of grief's sword is dangerously sharp.

On the way home from work tonight, I heard one of our two songs.  I Knew I Loved You doesn't really play on radio stations anymore, but I'd like to think it was a gift to me.

The tears began to flow as soon as I heard the first notes.  I fear the next 24 hours or five days may be the same.  I'm a few hours early, but, I didn't want to count on waking up at 4:58 am to publish this.  Happy birthday in heaven, my angel.  There is nothing I wouldn't give to kiss your sweet face again.

It Would Suck To Be a Homeless Person With a Food Allergy

Tonight, after our last childbirth class, we stopped at Arby's for a late, cheap supper.  We'd had a really good night and were joking about lots of things.  I then saw this man, the only other person in the place.  I immediately thought he looked homeless.  It made me sad, then Karen-brain took over.

There's a nurse I work with who once asked the Facebook local world where all the panhandlers in the city stood.  She wanted to make them a bag lunch or something like that. 

I put the nurse thought together with the man sitting across Arby's.  What if you're that homeless person on the street corner?  What if some generous soul brings you a PB & J on whole wheat as a selfless act of giving?  What if you have a severe peanut allergy? 

I mean, it's not like you have the time to write on your cardboard sign, "Will work for food...*only foods accepted are tomato, peanut, onion, and shellfish free.*  This wouldn't work for many reasons.  One, no one reads the whole sign.  I mean seriously, I see "Mother of 3" and I stop reading.   Two, if I happened to be going through the drive-through at Mickey D's and I grab a sack full of extra hamburgers to hand out, I'm not going to read that and tell the woman, "I'm sorry.  You'd be allergic to my donation" and drive off.  If I were her, I'd be so pissed off. 

Although, as the average commuter driving by, this could be the conscious-easing way to get out of giving a handout.  You could be the person saying your food only has those ingredients and you'd hate to send them into anaphylactic shock, so maybe next time.

I just see this is a bad all the way around.  Maybe there's a universal or divine intervention that prevents the homeless from having food allergies.  I haven't ever actually seen a news story about a homeless vet on the corner of Cloverdale and Medical Center Blvd who ate a freebie and ended up in the ED half dead.

Then, we got up to leave.  The man did not have food.  He had a couple of used plastic grocery bags and he looked very unkempt.  I felt bad again.  I'd have offered him something, but I didn't want to kill him.

The Audacity of a Title *explicit language*

I am furious.  I don't know what else to call it. 

Today, I had my regular follow-up OB appointment.  Recall that I go to a High Risk OB group.  I have seen the midwife most of my visits, but as I'm nearing delivery and she doesn't deliver, I thought I should branch out and see more of the physicians.  The one I was scheduled to see today, let's call her Incompetent, I had only seen once before.  That particular visit, I waited an hour and 40 minutes and she blamed it on the new computer system.

Today, I waited for 2 hours.  No one warned me upon check-in that there was such a delay or any delay at all.  When I humorously asked at 1 hour 15 minutes if they'd forgotten me, I was just told they were running behind.  Oh, I'm sorry.  You're running behind?  What about the roomful of patients waiting to see you?  We are now running behind as well and are stuck. 

When Incompetent finally managed to see me, she blamed the wait on her being the only physician there today.  She definitely wasn't taking extra time with anyone based on her, "Let me listen to the baby and measure you, then you can get out of here" statement.  I had concerns today that I wanted addressed.  I was completely bullshitted.

As lamented in my previous post, I have severe Restless Leg Syndrome.  I have it always.  It is not a pregnancy condition.  It is a neurological diagnosis.  I told her I was completely exhausted because I can't sleep.  I told her why.  I told her the OTC recommendations weren't working.  I was almost in tears.  This was my response...

Incompetent suggested I see their new counselor about getting an anti-depressant.  (I certainly would if I were depressed.  That's not what's being discussed here.)  Next, she suggested I wear ankle weights to bed.  That's right.  I'm supposed to put 2-5lb weights on each ankle and let them hang off the edge of the bed.  Weighing my legs down might stop the jerking.  Are you fucking kidding me? 

I can handle someone telling me they don't know an answer.  I can handle that there just may not be anything I can do right now.  I cannot handle patronizing virtual head petting telling me I'm "almost there" and this complete horses' assery of medical advice.  That fancy M.D. behind your name does not mean you can spew forth complete bullshit and it be accepted.

In addition to all of this, she didn't even bother to check my cervix after the weekend visit at the hospital due to contractions.  I have a call into the Service Excellence department over their office.  I thought about it for a couple of hours before I called.  I didn't want to overreact.  I have come to the conclusion that I am not. 

A Collection

Before you get all excited about Jersey cows or miniature pigs, no, it's not that kind of collection.

I haven't written often in a few months.  I didn't want to bore people with my tales of pregnancy and baby.  I actually pay attention and love that I have readers all over the world.  If you're so inclined, please shoot me a  message and tell me if you have a topic you'd like to see here.

For today, it's a collection of thoughts from the only things I know.  Let's talk sleep.  I can't really talk about sleep as I have had so very little the past three months.  It is getting more and more difficult to feel even a little rested.  I have the typical ailments of late pregnancy.  I'm physically uncomfortable and it takes a lot to get to a decent position.  I have to pee every 45 mins to an hour.  I have the nasal congestion which is causing me to snore horribly.  Then, there are my restless legs.  Those are not unusual for pregnancy either, but I have it all the time and pregnancy is exacerbating it in the worst kind of way.

I first had symptoms when I was pregnant with Olivia.  They faded after she was born for a while.  I honestly don't remember when they came back with a vengeance.  Boy, did they, though!  I went through every dosage of Requip, the standard medicine prescribed, with little relief.  I remember when Olivia was nearing the end of her life and we were in bed all the time.  Her nurses would comment on my amazing jerking legs.  Once, I was in the ED with a migraine and my sister said they should be called something stronger like 'volcanic'.  If you aren't familiar with Restless Leg Syndrome, then I am so thrilled for you.  It's a neuromuscular condition in which your legs take on a life of their own.  Symptoms vary between people and so does timing.  Some only get it when they go to bed.  I do that, but if I'm sitting around relaxing or watching a movie or on a long car ride, it can occur.  A few years ago, when I drove with a friend to the Florida Keys, I remember them being so bad that I had bruises on my knees from them hitting the dashboard in the van.  Shortly after that, I was put on a different medicine that controlled them really well and I almost never had symptoms.

In pregnancy, none of those meds are allowed.  I have been dealing with this sleep-stealing beast for 8 months.  As soon as I get close to being able to doze, the tingling starts.  I can handle that.  Then, the burning comes.  It's like there is a hot poker being trailed up and down my legs, particularly my calves.  Then, the jerking.  Sometimes, the legs jerk without any thought control.  Others, I have to move them to try to get relief.  The only real relief I get is if Kelly massages them or a hot bath.  I don't mean warm.  I mean nearly scalding hot to cover my legs.  I don't cover all of me.  I know that's not safe either.  For some reason, the heat stops the torture.  There are times I wish I could sleep in that water because I think I actually could.

Last night was the worst night of the pregnancy.  I was so tired when I got home from work.  All I wanted was to lie down.  I did.  Then, about 30 minutes later, it started.  Kelly rubbed my legs for about 30 minutes and I was drifting off.  Next, the vicious jerks returned.  Around 2 am, I headed for the bath.  I lay in there for about half an hour.  Kelly also came and massaged them in the water.  When I got out, I cried when I lay back down.  I was so exhausted that I couldn't stop the tears.

Sometime before 3:30 am, I dropped into a less than refreshing sleep.  I was up again after 5 to go to the bathroom.  Then, I was up for good by 8.

Luckily, today is my day off.  I've had breakfast.  I'm watching VH1 and snuggled on my sofa.  It's another hideously rainy day here in NC.  If God and the Universe allow, I hope a nap is in my future.