It's That Time of Year

Where were you 13 years ago?  I was in a similar circumstance.  I was 39 weeks pregnant and about 4 hours into labor with the baby who would be known as the world's most beautiful girl.  You may scoff at that.  If so, it's because you never saw her.

I never dreamed I'd be pregnant at this age when I was giving birth to Olivia.  I never dreamed what the next 8 years after that night would bring either.  I dreamed of everything every young pregnant woman does.  I dreamed of snuggles, kisses, diapers, preschool, kindergarten, bikes and dolls.  I never dreamed I was entering a world of hospitals, doctors, and death.

I remember that night vividly.  It isn't only the pain I remember.  I also remember the tears that exploded from my eyes when I saw her for the first time.  I remember the feeling that my heart, the literal center of my chest, would explode at the love I felt at that moment.  

I can't remember Olivia's birthday without remembering her angelversary.  They come only five days apart.  That seems such a cruel twist of fate.  I don't know if the pregnancy hormones make it worse this year or if it would be the same regardless.  I have been sad for several days.  I have had a shorter temper.  I have had horrific nightmares and sleepless nights.  Will it change after Sunday?  The grief never goes away, but its sharpness dulls over time.  At these special dates, the edge of grief's sword is dangerously sharp.

On the way home from work tonight, I heard one of our two songs.  I Knew I Loved You doesn't really play on radio stations anymore, but I'd like to think it was a gift to me.

The tears began to flow as soon as I heard the first notes.  I fear the next 24 hours or five days may be the same.  I'm a few hours early, but, I didn't want to count on waking up at 4:58 am to publish this.  Happy birthday in heaven, my angel.  There is nothing I wouldn't give to kiss your sweet face again.

Seasons Change

We are a couple of days into the official season of Autumn.  Life is like nature in its changes.  They come inevitably and although we know to expect them, it's still sometimes a shock.  I almost always say "Fall" instead of Autumn.  As I drove north on Highway 52 toward the church where Olivia is buried this morning, it was clear why.

When I awoke, the temps were low.  I don't mean a comfy 60 degrees.  It was around 48-50.  After the harsh heat of our long summer, it was welcome!  I actually turned on my heat in the car for a few minutes.  Driving up the long highway that heads into the Blue Ridge Mountains, I could see tinges of gold and red in the trees the further I went.  There were leaves falling all along the way.

It was an absolutely gorgeous drive.  I was going up this morning to take Olivia's fall flowers.  Although I know that there's only a shell of her in that grave, it is always highly emotional going.  As I go through this pregnancy, my emotions are heightened about her as well.  Today those emotions sprang forth like Old Faithful.

As I trimmed the foam so that the flowers would fit, I attached a magic wand and the ever-present crown.  I also thought of the many things I would love to say to my daughter.  She'd be almost 13 now!  I did talk to her.  I do most days, but today's thoughts and chat were more intense.

Olivia had many challenges in her life.  She required assistance with everything physical.  You know what?  It didn't matter at all.  She was absolutely perfect to me.  She was the most beautiful, loving, funniest little girl I have ever known.  Every time she flashed that beaming smile at me, I melted.  I miss that smile.  I miss my girl.  I miss her more than it should be humanly possible to feel.

I think the changes my body is experiencing are a little like fall.  I know they're coming.  I don't know if they'll be sudden or gradual.  I love each season and anticipate the next with excitement.  Today marks 16 weeks in this pregnancy.  I look forward to each week as a milestone.  I eagerly await his arrival.  My biggest regret is that he'll never know his sister.

With all that said, I am going to sit outside in the beautiful sun and read a while before I go to work.  I need to distract my mind from its whirlwind of thoughts this morning.  Happy Fall to all!

Meet Olivia

I try to start on this and something deters me or I get distracted.  As I sit here waiting for THE basketball game, it seems the appropriate time.  My love was a tiny Tarheel.  When I'd yell "Go Heels", she'd get all excited and the first word she said was GO.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Condensed version of the beginning....uneventful pregnancy except that it was wonderful.  If I could be pregnant every day and not give birth, I'd do it.  I loved it.  Labor was 10 hours almost exactly.  I received an epidural that was not effective.  It hurt horrifically!  I had minimal relief for about 90 minutes.  I pushed completely naturally for an hour and 20 minutes and gave birth to this beautiful baby doll.

I don't have a digital image.  Were there digital images in 2000?

Olivia had enough hair that I needed one of those monogrammed bows immediately, but I didn't know about them yet.  She weighed 6 lb 11.5 oz.  She seemed so tiny...she did after she came out.  Prior to that, she seemed like a sumo wrestler.  When I saw her, held her for the first time, I truly felt like my heart would burst.  I can't explain it any other way.  There is no other feeling; no other love like the love I felt as a mother.

Olivia was a good eater at first.  She had a good suck reflex and nursed in the delivery room.  She had been practicing.  She had a sucking blister on her lip when she came out!

Those couple of days in the hospital were calm.  There weren't any problems.  She barely cried except when she was hungry or wet.  She slept....all the things a newborn does.  We went home to start a life of pure joy.  I was joyful.  All I had ever wanted was to be a mother.

Little did I know that our world would change just 11 days into this.  There aren't pictures or other major items to document.  It sneaked up on us.  There are pros and cons to that.  There was no preparation, but there's no guilt associated with it either.  I went home and loved my baby.  She loved me, too.  Her favorite place was attached to me.