There's always good and bad in any situation. Sometimes, it's easier to see one or the other. I am not a pessimist by nature, but for some situations, I do see bad before good. With relationships and family, it's where I immediately go.
I love my husband. That should seem obvious. I love this baby boy who's kung fu fighting in my abdomen right now. For both of them, whenever there's a little glitch, I expect the worst. I possibly even perseverate on the worst possibilities. For example, my last ultrasound gave us a 4D image of Emory. I stared at it and stared at it until I decided his eyes looked wide spaced. Then, I researched syndromes with wide spaced eyes. The doc we saw that day said "baby looks great". He saw the same photos I did. He actually knows what he's seeing, but I didn't trust it. I'm past that now and am trusting that said doctor would have clearly indicated concern that he saw such things if he did.
I think when you've experienced a significant loss, or three or four or however many I'm up to now, it colors your perspectives. I think it may even be easier to expect disappointment than to expect happiness. The key is realizing that's what's happening and getting past it.
This is a work in progress for me. I see good and bad. I need to go over the hump and get back to the good.
I'm getting there.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Happy Happy Joy Joy
I have feared writing anything so positive as I fear the jinx.
When I started blogging years ago and then again last year, I wasn't always in a happy place. As a matter of fact, I was in dark holes within myself many days. The blog was a way for me to get some of that ugliness out without, hopefully, hurting myself or too many others in the process.
The past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions. Then again, I think that may be true for the majority of people. Maybe it isn't and I'm slightly more unstable. Regardless, I have swung between ecstasy and despair often.
I am on the verge of ecstasy again. This pregnancy has been physically hard and an emotional challenge for both Kelly and me. I think we were both afraid for a long time that it would end as the last two with nothing but heartbreak and tears. That fear impeded my joy for too long.
I'm just one week away from the third trimester. I am not a fool and think we're in the clear now. My job is half dictated by the percentages of babies who come too soon! However, I feel like it's foolish to walk on eggshells and not enjoy every precious minute left of Emory's baking.
As miserable as my nights are now, feeling his gymnastics as I wake up or try to drift off brings me pure happiness. It's not very long until I have to share him with others! Don't get me wrong; I want to see the faces of my mother- and father-in-law as they hold him for the first time. I can hardly wait to see Kelly's eyes and watch those big, strong arms envelope his tiny son. But, I also think most women who've been pregnant can agree that there is something completely, selfishly wonderful about the pregnancy when they're just ours.
Yesterday, my girlfriends, a number of my Posse in fact, gave us a little shower for baby Emory. It was soooooo fun! I felt very loved and honored. I had a fantastic Mom-To-Be tiara, even. I am so thankful to have these women in my life. They just add to the good parts and help soften the blows of the bad ones.
*Smiles and sighs*
When I started blogging years ago and then again last year, I wasn't always in a happy place. As a matter of fact, I was in dark holes within myself many days. The blog was a way for me to get some of that ugliness out without, hopefully, hurting myself or too many others in the process.
The past couple of years have been a roller coaster of emotions. Then again, I think that may be true for the majority of people. Maybe it isn't and I'm slightly more unstable. Regardless, I have swung between ecstasy and despair often.
I am on the verge of ecstasy again. This pregnancy has been physically hard and an emotional challenge for both Kelly and me. I think we were both afraid for a long time that it would end as the last two with nothing but heartbreak and tears. That fear impeded my joy for too long.
I'm just one week away from the third trimester. I am not a fool and think we're in the clear now. My job is half dictated by the percentages of babies who come too soon! However, I feel like it's foolish to walk on eggshells and not enjoy every precious minute left of Emory's baking.
As miserable as my nights are now, feeling his gymnastics as I wake up or try to drift off brings me pure happiness. It's not very long until I have to share him with others! Don't get me wrong; I want to see the faces of my mother- and father-in-law as they hold him for the first time. I can hardly wait to see Kelly's eyes and watch those big, strong arms envelope his tiny son. But, I also think most women who've been pregnant can agree that there is something completely, selfishly wonderful about the pregnancy when they're just ours.
Yesterday, my girlfriends, a number of my Posse in fact, gave us a little shower for baby Emory. It was soooooo fun! I felt very loved and honored. I had a fantastic Mom-To-Be tiara, even. I am so thankful to have these women in my life. They just add to the good parts and help soften the blows of the bad ones.
*Smiles and sighs*
Monday, November 26, 2012
Christmas Trees and Cats
I have had an indoor cat or two for most of my adult life. I am a cat person. I like dogs fine in small doses outside. I have had wonderful cats and heinous cats. I had the best cat in the world go guano crazy after my daughter died. Now, I have Sookie.
She's a beauty, isn't she? She looks so innocent. I've talked about her before here. She's been mostly great. She was a rescue who came to live with us just after the first of this year...after Christmas. She's been de-clawed in front. I really didn't foresee problems with Christmas decorations. I was wrong or stupid. Hey, it could be both.
It took me a long time to get the damn tree decorated yesterday, starting with putting lights on backwards. I had to take them off and restring. My seemingly ginormous belly gets in the way a lot. Anyway, I finished it up around midnight last night, thanks to the hubs, and I was so pleased with myself. I didn't leave the bottom empty of ornaments. It didn't occur to me to do that.
Then, I came home from working 10 hours today. My first indication something was wrong came from a shiny glint in the tree-lit carpet. I turned on the overhead light. A beautiful red ball lay crushed on the opposite wall from the tree. I cleaned it up and went to admire the tree as well as try to get a decent photo. Then, I noticed two other balls out of place. Not just nudged on a branch were they. One was on the tree skirt and the other was off to the side.
How did she get them off? She has NO claws! Well, technically she does, but not in front. My sweet little Sookie is now a demon cat. My first indoor cat was too lazy to do anything but drink the tree water. Then there was Whiskey. He had to be outdoors after two weeks of absolutely refusing to use the litter box. Next were Albert and Snookums. They were the best cats in the whole world...until Olivia died. Then, they nearly grieved themselves to death. BUT, they never attacked a Christmas tree. If Sookie continues to terrorize the Christmas tree, she'll surpass Whiskey the impossible-to-train-to-use-the-litter box cat as the cat who's angered me the most. Banjo might even move up on the favorite pet list...
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| I am absolutely terrible at photographing a lit tree. |
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thanksgiving Wishes
It's Thanksgiving eve. As many of you are, I am reflecting on the things in my life and this world for which I am thankful. As I stated in a Facebook post a couple of weeks ago, I am truly thankful every day. It's why I don't gush so much on the actual day of Thanksgiving. True story: when I pull into the parking deck at work and manage to snag a space within site of the doors, I say a little prayer of thanks.
This year, I have much more thanks to give. My husband and I have celebrated our first anniversary without having been in marriage counseling or jail. We have this seemingly perfect little son on the way. My job is safe, for the moment, at a time when many people are losing theirs. I have not lost a loved one this year. All in all, it's pretty stellar.
I am especially thankful that my all day/all night pregnancy sickness is over in time for scrumptious meals to be had. I am so looking forward to turkey cooked at home. Deli meats are off limits, but properly cooked, then cooled turkey from home is safe for a cold sandwich. Think it's not a big deal? Try heating the roast beef from Jimmy John's and then adding it back to your cold sandwich. Blech. I'm dreaming of pumpkin and pecan pies. I'm going to attempt to make my mother's recipe for pecan pie. She made a fantastic one.
As you eat or watch football or drift off to sleep, I wish you another year of life, freedoms, love, and peace. I wish for America to get out of war so that our soldiers and their families can have peace. I wish for Republicans and Democrats to stop throwing stones and act like adults with differences of opinions.
I wish you all a bountiful meal so that your belly is not hungry. I wish you all a warm bed in a safe place. I wish you all love and joy. I am thankful to my family, friends, co-workers and those of you who read my thoughts from across the globe. Thank you for support, friendship, love, and fun.
This year, I have much more thanks to give. My husband and I have celebrated our first anniversary without having been in marriage counseling or jail. We have this seemingly perfect little son on the way. My job is safe, for the moment, at a time when many people are losing theirs. I have not lost a loved one this year. All in all, it's pretty stellar.
I am especially thankful that my all day/all night pregnancy sickness is over in time for scrumptious meals to be had. I am so looking forward to turkey cooked at home. Deli meats are off limits, but properly cooked, then cooled turkey from home is safe for a cold sandwich. Think it's not a big deal? Try heating the roast beef from Jimmy John's and then adding it back to your cold sandwich. Blech. I'm dreaming of pumpkin and pecan pies. I'm going to attempt to make my mother's recipe for pecan pie. She made a fantastic one.
As you eat or watch football or drift off to sleep, I wish you another year of life, freedoms, love, and peace. I wish for America to get out of war so that our soldiers and their families can have peace. I wish for Republicans and Democrats to stop throwing stones and act like adults with differences of opinions.
I wish you all a bountiful meal so that your belly is not hungry. I wish you all a warm bed in a safe place. I wish you all love and joy. I am thankful to my family, friends, co-workers and those of you who read my thoughts from across the globe. Thank you for support, friendship, love, and fun.
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| blog.zealousgood.com |
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Body Art
It's been a while since my last post. I wanted to avoid all of the political and election drama. I'm glad it's over. I also wanted to find something else other than pregnancy to write about. I will, but not tonight.
Today, I went to a Baby Belly Bazaar.
It was loads of fun! I went with my friend Kristen, who is a doula. There was a lot of activity and information. I honestly thought I wouldn't learn much. I mean, I HAVE given birth before, you know? There were several groups of midwives and practitioners represented from places other than where I go for prenatal care. I actually did get some new knowledge. I also received a little pampering. I do not have a beautiful pregnant belly, but you're gonna see it.
First, I was on display getting a henna tattoo on my bump. This stuff is cool! Those are tiny hand prints on the left...one slightly larger representing my husband and me. There are tiny footprints on the right for the baby. There are also two Ks.
Next, I had a photo taken by a professional photographer for $5. Not too shabby. Then, it was onto investigating the booths while waiting for my massage time slot. Yes, a 15 minute, free prenatal massage. The lady had these wedges so I could lie on my belly side without any pressure on the baby. It felt soooo amazing!
I skipped the belly casting. I mean, it would be cool, but it was in the wide open and I didn't want my boobs on display. There were a lot of people there and some men included. A newspaper photographer took my pic getting the tattoo. That was enough exposure.
After that, I let an artist do a painting on my big ol' belly. This may be the coolest thing I've ever done.
I saw a lot of painted bellies today, but I think mine was by far the best. She just kept going with the details!
If you're pregnant and you haven't done anything fun to celebrate your growing body, I highly recommend something like this. I don't feel beautiful on a regular basis, but I felt it today.
It was loads of fun! I went with my friend Kristen, who is a doula. There was a lot of activity and information. I honestly thought I wouldn't learn much. I mean, I HAVE given birth before, you know? There were several groups of midwives and practitioners represented from places other than where I go for prenatal care. I actually did get some new knowledge. I also received a little pampering. I do not have a beautiful pregnant belly, but you're gonna see it.
Next, I had a photo taken by a professional photographer for $5. Not too shabby. Then, it was onto investigating the booths while waiting for my massage time slot. Yes, a 15 minute, free prenatal massage. The lady had these wedges so I could lie on my belly side without any pressure on the baby. It felt soooo amazing!
I skipped the belly casting. I mean, it would be cool, but it was in the wide open and I didn't want my boobs on display. There were a lot of people there and some men included. A newspaper photographer took my pic getting the tattoo. That was enough exposure.
After that, I let an artist do a painting on my big ol' belly. This may be the coolest thing I've ever done.
I saw a lot of painted bellies today, but I think mine was by far the best. She just kept going with the details!
If you're pregnant and you haven't done anything fun to celebrate your growing body, I highly recommend something like this. I don't feel beautiful on a regular basis, but I felt it today.
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