Since Olivia's dad and I separated when she was 3, I have been able to count on my hands the people who helped and stood by me. My chosen family, my friends, far more than my blood relatives are countable. Let's put the stinking, nasty ass laundry out.
I wish desperately for my mother to be alive and to have a father who loved me and protected me. I wish for the family of movies and Leave It to Beaver. It was never and will never be. My father was rarely around, except for Saturday nights. My mother worked her ass off to provide for us. My husband is a musician. My only child died. This sure as hell is not Leave It to Beaver. It's like Beaver dressed as Michael Myers.
For those of you who have loving families, do you intentionally engage people who cause hurt or harm to your loved family members? I'm going to guess 'no'. Please answer though, because I'd like some honest, unbiased answers. In my family, that answer is 'yes'. People do, in fact, intentionally engage others who have harmed or hurt me emotionally. It doesn't just happen once. It doesn't just happen, say, 25 years ago. It keeps happening.
I am not playing a victim. I am doing the opposite. While talking with one of my dearest friends today, it occurred to me that hiding these things is victim-like. I am not ashamed. I didn't do anything wrong! I just exist. I am tired of existing in my world for other people's jollies. I don't know how to do it tonight, but I'm figuring out how to have a good life that is mine (with my husband) and not Velcroed to anyone because of 'shoulds'. His family is very loving and protective and I am so very thankful for them.
Blood is not thicker than water. Maybe my family has genetic Heparin running through its veins. My therapy co-pay is so going to be worth it tomorrow.
