The Yang to My Yin

Why is Yin feminine?

My life is so out of balance.  This whole Chinese philosophy seems so peaceful.  So, today, when I got two, TWO, moments of positivity I thought, "WOW...I have some cosmic balance coming from somewhere today!"  For kicks, I Googled yin yang .

I know the whole philosophy is about everything being in balance and too much of anything being bad, yada, yada, yada.  Why is the negative called the feminine?  That just pisses this female off at the whole ancient Chinese culture.  If I didn't love your Crab Rangoon and delicious pork fried rice, I'd hate the modern culture, too, bitches.

Every Little Thing

Steph, you're gonna think you're my muse. 

I am the queen of 'glass half full' thinking.  It may take me a while to get there for some situations, but I get there.  I mean, seriously, if I can take the death of my only child and find any positive thing to come out of it, then I have to have flowers to pull out of my ass, right?

I have come very close to losing that part of me this year.  Nothing worse than losing Olivia will ever happen to me.  There is no hurt, event, occurence, NOTHING worse than the death of a child.  However, when you've been emotionally beaten; when you've experienced loss after loss; when you've seen others experience those same losses; when you've seen people you love hurt and have their hearts shredded; when you bounce back like a Weeble over and over and over..............

There is a breaking point.  I've had a few over the past 3 years, 6 months and 19 days.  I came very close to tipping over the edge.  I was lucky beyond belief to have my Posse to grab on and hold me tight.  For those who don't have a Posse, they tip. 

I feel like a yo-yo.  I get close to my breaking point, then I pull myself back.  I get close again, then I pull back because in the deepest part of me I keep thinking everything will be ok.  I have been telling someone that for days now as she faces losing her child.  No matter what, it will be ok until it's not and then it's over.  That is how I have survived.  That is my mantra.  Everything will be ok until it's not and then it will be over. 

There really is a time to say "this is NOT ok" and I am there.

The Reason Is...

There is a reason for everything.  Right?  Yeah, maybe.  There is even a reason someone came up with WTF.  I use it regularly because sometimes, asking "what?" is just not strong enough.  Thanks to my very good friend Stephanie, I can now ask "WTMFS?" for even more depraved instances.  Take last night for example.  I was put in an uncomfortable position.  Had it not been at work, I'd probably have used all the words in an ugly tone with my head all wobbly.  Luckily, I've been practicing using the little bit of self-control I have and marshaling it for professional purposes.  I also take my old Barbies out and role play with them.  Barbie gets tired of being pushed around by Ken, so she tries to use big girl words and not rely on her sex goddessness to get her way with him.  Skipper is tired of both of them and their drama, so she just busts on up in there and threatens to pop a cap in somebody if they don't shut it....I didn't say I've completely succeeded yet.

Anyway, I wonder why people think they are above doing something simple that takes a second to complete?  Why does someone think they are so superior that they can't take an extra moment for someone on a lower rung of the social totem pole?  Why do people assume they are on the top of that pole?  Who assigned the rungs on the mythical, invisible pole?  Questions I'll never have an answer or a reason for, surely, if sociologists and anthropologists haven't figured it out yet.

Carry on, Skipper.

I Approve This Post

Just when I think I'm skating on thick, smooth, safe ice...

I'm a bit of a dichotomy.  Some people see me as a fountain of optimism and sunshine.  Some people see the darker side of me.  That side expects the worst out of situations and people.  I'm not sure there is a conscious decision on how I approach a person or a situation.  I do know I have to force myself to think the opposite way sometimes.

For example, when things are going really well, such as on some thick ice, I catch myself afraid to say out loud how good they are.  It's as if I'll break that spell and the ice all at the same time.  Then, I chastise myself for even thinking it because if I've thought it, the universe knows it whether I've said it or not and it could all start spinning out of control into a cyclone of crap just because I had the thought.  And by the way, why doesn't that cyclone work the other way?  Why can't I think about how wonderful life is looking and how great it would be if I found an extra $100 lying around somewhere, and I got an unexpected promotion and that actually happened?

Yes, that's a little extreme.  Yes, it's how I think sometimes.  I used to work for a Domestic Violence agency.  During the day, we never put the crisis line on an answering service if we had to leave the office.  We had volunteers who would take the line forwarded to their homes.  We had this one woman, Ruth, who never said 'hello' when she answered her phone.  She always said 'Come on over!' or some other happy phrase.  My voice mail in October goes along the lines of "I'm not available to take your call.  Leave a number and I'll call you back.  I'm Karen Hawks and I approved this message."  I border on sarcasm, not sweet.  OK, I border it like water borders Australia.

I digress....

I'm trying to be more positive about people, specifically about grown ups.  I'm pretty positive about the small children and really positive about babies.  I can't promise I'll start answering my phone with sparkles in my voice.  If you need that, find Ruth and call her.

Stock Market, Shock Market

I am not a Dow fan.  Although, I was startled to hear about the Mt. Everest-sized tumble it took recently.  I, personally, think we should go back to the barter system.  None of the three jobs I have would help me with that.  I mean, I am great at supporting you if you have a child in critical condition or if you need help finding some linen trousers.  Neither of those skills is going to help me down at the market when it's time for trading.

I've decided I need to develop a consumable product.  I was actually purchasing toilet paper when I thought of this, but nevertheless, I'm thinking more along the lines of food products.  I'm not into the farming thing, so no piggies, cows, chicks, or other fowl for me.  I think I need to create a niche in baking.  Baked goods last longer, so if I can't get to said market for a day or so, it's not like a tequila marinated London broil.  That bad boy won't be a hot commodity on day 2.  I do have friends who are good at all sorts of things though and one of them is superior at tasty meat.

So, I propose we go back to the public market.  We all assemble and choose our food group.  Yes, we start with food.  Then, we'll work our way to household items.  We can set daily hours and that way there is a large variety of items available regularly.  It would go something like

Me:  I have two dozen Massive Minty Mocha Munchies ( the BEST mint chocolate cookies you've ever put in your mouth)

Julie M:  I have  6 large lump crab cakes

Ricky S: Tasty Meat, get yer tasty meat

Sam M:  Spicy sides, take some Pepcid now!

Brandy C:  Goat milk!

Laura G:  I can offer organic corn, peas and string beans.....

You get the idea.  Who's with me?