It's just two days before the magical day of Christmas. I'm snuggled on my sofa in a super warm blanket while Sookie and Kelly snooze away. Emory is awake and moving around to let me know he's ok. It's a pretty fantastic morning.
Many of my blog posts have been about my status as a bereaved parent, like this post from last December. I think other than my physiological being as a female, this is the most predominant part of who I am. Maybe other bereaved moms feel the same.
This year, you have seen many posts about my impending motherhood. This baby boy inside me has transformed not only my body, but also my heart and mind. Although my heart still weeps with sadness at the absence of my Olivia, it also swells with joy in anticipation of her brother who is on his way. Instead of focusing on the memories of the last four Christmases without her, I am more able to think of her first Christmas. I vividly recall Santa coming to our home so that we could get those precious photos of her in a black velvet and gold satin dress without exposing her to all the icky illness around. I can remember with a smile the first time she chose the color of lights on our tree and thus started the blue Christmases. The tears in my eyes as I write this are joyful, not sad.
There will never be a Christmas for me that isn't tinged with sadness. However, for the first time in a long, long time, there is more happiness than that and it wins. I am happy this Christmas. I have a loving husband who is going to be a wonderful father. I have a job I love. I have friends and family that keep me in line with love and humor. AND, the best of all, it's only a few short weeks until I can hold my son in my arms.
I wish to each of you that your holidays, however you celebrate them, are filled with the people and things you love. If you're like me and love it, I wish for a peaceful, snowy day, too! Merry Christmas to all. May your world be everything you want and need!